02 September, 2010

growth & growing pains

i've been noticing a lot of themes in my life recently.

it seems like levi & i get a new theme each week...oddly enough, i usually end up verbalizing it on tuesday nights, the day before my weekly counseling session.

all these "themes" are starting to group themselves into one little bundle of goals that i have to grow as a person.

i feel like God is leading us to become people filled with:


these concepts kind of make me feel like a baby learning how to walk. due to my childhood & my illness, i've had to think of only myself for so long. i've spent my life trying to find ways to cope with my shortcomings, my circumstances, my brain. now that i'm working through so much of this stuff, i feel freed up to start concentrating more on others.

i really want to be a generous, loving, & grateful person. i've experienced so much of these attributes from other people in my life. i feel like people are always doing things for me, showing me their love. i want to make sure they know how grateful i am.

and i want to make sure that i can give back as well.

it's difficult to show generosity when you're broke. it seems like it would be so much easier if i could just buy things for others, grab the check at a meal, take people out. but that's not really what generosity is about anyway.

it's about having a generous spirit and giving of yourself. if we don't learn how to be generous now when we have nothing, we're never going to learn it when we have more than we need.

i'm learning that cultivating a spirt of generosity, love, & gratitude may not mean doing things that are recognizable to others. it may be as simple as an attitude change - noticing when i'm jealous of someone or something and deciding not to begrudge them their happiness or good fortune in my mind & instead deciding to be truly happy for them, deciding to allow them to enjoy what they have. people may never be aware of any of these emotions or thoughts that i experience in my mind, but i feel like it still makes a difference. i feel like this practice is preparing me for something bigger in the future. i welcome these challenges. i welcome opportunities to practice these characteristics in my life. i welcome all the joy, sorrow, heartache, & struggle that this practice will bring me. i know it leads to something better, and i want to be a part of it.

we all want to be a part of something beyond ourselves.


  1. Jaz!
    I love this journey for you! I want you to know that posts like this make me cheer for you.

    Best line: "that's not really what generosity is about anyway."

    Here at school, they talk a lot about how transformation is so hard and so beautiful at the same time. Yesterday a prof told us that what he prayed for us, he wasn't sure if he was brave enuf to pray for himself. He knew the desert had great rewards but was also hard hard hard. I pray to grow myself this same way - but I am careful with my prayer. I know it's scary.

  2. beautiful.

    and so true. especially about how if you can't be generous when your broke. because it's all about your heart and mind and hands. not money.


  3. Really thoughtful post and so true. I think we all need to think like this. I really need to work on all of these qualities. Sometimes i let the negative parts of things to get the better of me.

  4. Such an encouragement, you are! I too have been feeling a tug from God to become a "better person". While I would verbalize my list slightly different...the intention is just the same. You are right, the biggest changes often go unnoticed. The change that happens in the heart...that's more subtle. It's the kind of change people notice but rarely comment on. I think that's a good thing...keeps us humble! Thanks for the reminder today.

  5. Yes, yes, yes. A million times yes. I feel like these are lessons I just now learned in my late twenties and now I feel like I wasted my whole life not loving the whole world. I still struggle with negative thoughts (of jealousy, self-doubt, etc. etc.) but now I feel empowered with the tools I need to conquer. It just takes practice.

    P.S. The most generous people I've known haven't been wealthy.

  6. It is definitely a process learning to be grateful. I've been working on that for a while myself!

    Make sure you head over to Real Moms Real Views and enter the give away for one of my personalized piggy banks!


  7. Jasmine, you are totally right when you said it feels hard to be generous without a lot of money! It so does!! But money is easy, taking time to help with your own time is so much more sacrificial! I loved this post..such a good reminder! Thanks!!!

  8. it is so frustrating not being able to give back to the people who are so kind to you because you're poor. i've been dealing with that lately as well. i love your ideas about being truly generous with your heart and thoughts. and phoenix is right, you are very gracious with your blog.

  9. what a sweet post.

    but really, you give back just by writing from your heart. you touch your readers and that in and of itself is incredibly generous.

    i feel the need to be a part of something beyond myself too lately.

  10. I stumbled upon your lovely blog and wanted to tell you about a project that I have going on over at my Blog. The Happiness Project is a Tuesday blog hop that I host. All you have to do is post a photo of something that makes you happy, it's that simple. I'm trying to take over the blogosphere with happiness!

    Here is a link to last week's post if you would like to check it out.


  11. I love this. You have a beautiful soul and I wish you and Levi the best.

  12. this is an absolutely beautiful post.
    i always look foward to reading your blog bc you are SO honest.

    <3 gina

  13. This comment has been removed by the author.


Thanks for commenting! Comment moderation is on so if you don't see your comment... that's why! :)

P.S. If you have a question, check back for a response in the comment field. Or you can click "subscribe by email" in the comments section for notification of new comments on this thread.

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...