everything is going to be okay. it already is.

in case you hadn't already noticed...this has been a really difficult time for me.

i'm dealing with a lot going through this process, and it's not easy.

therapy is a grueling process. it drudges up a lot of hard issues. things that i would rather not think about. behaviours and beliefs that i have developed over the years in order to cope with my circumstances and my disease. i haven't talked a lot about my circumstances or the things i've gone through in my life, but i've got a story...just like all of you. i have a lot of really painful memories. just typing that sentence brought tears to my eyes. even things that i've been processing for more than 12 years can still make me cry.

most days are difficult. i feel like i'm working and processing and trying to change all the time.

it's exhausting and overwhelming.

i don't really talk about my faith much on my blog. i'm not really sure why. i guess i just don't do things that way. i don't want to sound preachy. but i'm going to talk about it now. what God is doing in me right now is incredible. he has been speaking to me so much. that still, small voice that everyone is always talking about has been in my head, heart, and soul almost constantly. i guess it's always there, but i'm really hearing it right now.

maybe it's just that i'm listening harder? i don't know.

i'm not an illogical person. i'm not just going to listen to any voice in my head and call it the word of God. i believe that you have to go through a process in order to determine whether or not God is speaking to you. if what you're hearing 1) agrees with the Bible and 2) is consistent with Jesus Christ's character, then you're good to go. that's God.

i believe that the holy spirit lives in me. God lives in me. he speaks to me. he loves me and will never ever leave me.

that's the most comforting thing i can think of.

the creator of the universe, of heaven and earth, seeks me out. he wants me and protects me. i can't tell you how many times he's pulled me out of situations that were too much for me. i feel so lucky that he hasn't let me go...even though i've tried really hard to get away sometimes.

God has proven to be trustworthy time and time again. he's really had his work cut out for him. i think women learn to trust God through their fathers. we learn about God's love for us through our fathers. it's our first exposure to it. i think part of the reason God has been so patient with me and has worked so hard to gain my trust is because i didn't have a father i could trust. throw a couple crappy boyfriends on top of that, and you've got a very guarded woman.

(for the record, levi is obviously, one hundred percent, absolutely not lumped into that crappy boyfriend pile. levi is the first man, besides my incredible brother, i've trusted.)

anyway, i feel like i'm finally starting to get it. it's finally starting to click in my head, in my soul. it's time to have bigger faith. to let go of the reins. to trust God.

it certainly isn't easy. it's a conscious decision. when i find myself worrying about something, in an attempt to control it (i do this a lot - i call it preemptive worry), i have to deliberately choose to give it to God. i have to decide to do my best, to make the best decisions i can and try my hardest and then just let it go.

this isn't new stuff i'm talking about here. but it's my life right now....well not just right now. this is my life. period.

i like the message's translation of 1 peter 3. it says to "cultivate inner beauty, the gentle, gracious kind that God delights in." i want to be that woman. i want to be gentle and gracious, beautiful on the inside. i want to be calm and confident, "unaxious and unintimidated." those words soothe me. don't they sound soothing?? don't you picture the most beautiful woman on the planet when you hear that description? i've always desired to be that woman.

and right now, i feel so much closer to becoming her because of this path i'm on, because i'm trying to follow where God is leading me.

for the first time in my life, i'm beginning to trust that everything is going to be okay and that letting go is the first step to becoming who i want to be.

coming up with ideas is the easy part.

new project in the works!!

i expect to have something to show for myself within one month.

hold me accountable, please! i need new things to keep me really busy while i'm going through all this stuff. and i need to work on following through with ideas.

....sometimes i have trouble with that.

i have no problem committing to people (i'm as loyal as they come), but committing to projects, jobs, majors, goals, or really anything else is a bit tough for me sometimes. not quite sure why. it's something that's come up in therapy once or twice.

so with this new little project/idea, i am determined to see it through...success or failure - doesn't matter. i just need to do it.

that's why i blogged about it! now i'll feel like an idiot if i don't follow through.

sorry to be so cryptic and not share what i'm talking about. i hate doing that...but i'm going to this time.

btw, i went to grab a picture to accompany this post only to remember that i don't have any. blahhhhh. stupid stupid jasmine for not backing up her hard drive. have you backed up your hard drives yet??!?!? please learn from my GIGANTIC mistake.

p.s. don't tell my doctor i was up this late and that i still have no intention of going to bed any time soon. this whole asleep before midnight thing is really cramping my style. also don't tell him that i had a child's size coke from mcdonald's the other day. it was calling out to me. i had to. before you know it, i'll break down and have a caffeinated cappuccino instead of the really watered down, not so good, decaffeinated ones i've been allowing myself once per week.

thank God i have this blog...

...because my hard drive crashed yesterday.

and no, it was not backed up.

not. one. bit.

i'm heartbroken.

all my photos, videos, music, my internet bookmarks...everything's gone.

apple gave me a brand new hard drive for free (i have apple care) so that's not a problem. it's just sad that i lost so much.

at least i have this blog!! it definitely doesn't have all my bajillions of photos and videos on it, but it has some of them. and i have my iPod and levi's iTunes so that will give me some of my music back.

one day, i'm going to pay the big bucks to have my old hard drive recovered. all those memories are too precious. it will be worth it.

the good news is that i didn't absolutely freak out. i mean, i bawled my eyes out, but i didn't go all nutso even though my hard drive crashed about 15 minutes after my car wouldn't start and then after that, my phone broke. that's enough to make anyone lose their mind.

but guess what?

i didn't!

this girl is strong. and resilient. and very very brave.

i am slowly becoming the woman i've been deep down inside all along.

i'm pretty proud of myself.

p.s. please back up your hard drive right now! spend less than $100 on an external hard drive, and save all you have. you won't regret it.

p.p.s. i'm super unlucky, huh? i actually laughed when my phone broke. it's just too ridiculous. maybe there's something magnetic inside of me destroying all the technology i own? keep your technological devices away from me! an accident may occur!!

i can do it

right now, i'm trying to separate who i really am from who this mental illness has made me.

sometimes i feel like i know, but not this week.

this week has been really difficult.

i feel like i'm in a fog. sometimes i'll come out of it for a little while, and i feel really good. but it always comes back. every night, i go to bed hoping that it won't be there in the morning, but it always is.

today my psychiatrist told me he thinks that my medication is making me depressed, and i started crying. he asked me what's so difficult for me and what i'm working on in therapy. i told him.

i'm working on what i call my "core." i want my happiness to come from my core. i want my strength, stability, emotional well being, joy, and contentment to come from my core. i don't want things from the outside to shake my stability so much. i don't want to rely on the outside to make my inside happy. it doesn't work. i want the outside things to add to my happiness, but i don't want them to be my happiness. they can't be. that doesn't work.

these seem like things that i should have learned by now, but my brain hasn't allowed it. my disease wouldn't let me. i feel so behind and so cheated. it's not like i haven't been trying.

i asked my psychiatrist how much of this he thought was habit. his answer - "to be honest, not much."

that made me really hopeful and excited. that means a lot of this can be helped by medication. the rest by time and by therapy.

i'm trying so hard. i want to find out who i really am. i want to strengthen my "core." (haha! i sound like every exercise video ever. for the record, i'm working on strengthening my physical core too.) i want a job! i want to be self sufficient in every way. i don't want to depend on everyone else for so many things. i want to have more to offer.

it's so frustrating though. i've applied for sooooo many jobs. i've gotten like 2 responses and 1 phone interview...still no job. want me, somebody! want me!

and i feel like everything else is happening really slowly too. i already told you that i'm not very patient. i've probably changed a lot more than i realize, but i'm not sure. it's hard to see change in yourself. and i think my psychiatrist is right - i think i am depressed. depression sucks! fortunately, it's medication induced. it should go away once my dosage tweaking kicks in.

one more thing to wait for, right??

but i'll tell you one thing i'm not going to wait for. i'm not going to wait for everything to be perfect to enjoy my life. i have to enjoy it now, when i don't really like it. that will guarantee that i will be able to enjoy it when all of this is over. of course, that's a lot easier said than done. but i will make it happen.

and that's one thing i know about myself - i don't limit my abilities. i know i can do almost anything i decide to do.

dearest...

dearest coffee,

i miss you soooo much. my heart aches for you. every time i see someone drinking you, i wanna grab the cup away and slurp you all up.

even if that someone is on television.

please know that this is just a break. we will not be separated forever. i could never do that to us. what we had was too good, and i love you too much. as soon as my brain gets better, it's you and me, baby.

until then,

jasmine