dinner parties & candy for breakfast

we went to a dinner party a couple weeks ago with these people.

it was so much fun.

isn't that what you always imagined being grown up would be like? going to dinner parties every weekend with amazing people and sharing some laughs over glasses of red wine.

isn't real grown up life so much different than that???

if i had it my way, being a grown up would mean dinner parties every weekend, candy for breakfast, and spending money on cute outfits instead of bills & doctor's appointments.

(at least being a grown up means getting to wake up next to him every morning...and dinner parties some weekends...and candy for breakfast every once in awhile.)

the one where levi yells at me

does anyone remember this post?

it's still such a huge problem for me. i've been forced to think about it a lot lately. (forced by levi and by my therapist - freaking therapy. always making you confront your problems.)

yesterday, i got my grade back for my big, scary french midterm that i was pretty stressed over. i got a B+. i was very pleased...honestly, i was just hoping to get at least a D so this definitely exceeded my expectations. but then i noticed that the class average was a point and a half higher than mine, and i felt really disappointed. i shared this with levi, and he YELLED at me! (this really startled me because levi never yells.)

he told (yelled at) me to please shut up, and just be happy with the grade i earned. he then took me by the shoulders and told me (he stopped yelling at this point) that i would never be perfect. ever. at anything. and he made me repeat that out loud. he told me he loved me exactly as i am and that he wants me to love me that way too.

i think that maybe it sunk in a little.

i had never actually admitted that i would never be perfect at anything. i have always just felt that if i kept trying hard enough and stopped screwing up, perfection would come. i'm tired of waiting for it to come though.

over the past few months, i have slowly felt myself loosening up a bit. unclenching. i'm not as edgy or defensive as i used to be. i don't get offended so easily anymore. i'm calmer and more content. i don't get bored as often. i feel like i'm not torturing myself quite as much over what i need to do to become the person i want to be. so maybe i'm starting to let go of this idea of "attainable" perfection that i've been holding onto for so long.

because no perfection is attainable.

it doesn't matter how high i reach or how much i try, i'm not going to grab hold of it.

maybe writing those words will make those ideas more true for me.

nook

we got a table last night so our dining nook is almost complete!

it's pretty much the only corner of the house that's close to completion (even though we've been here for almost an entire year). we'll probably hang something else up on the wall to break up the yellow a bit.

these pictures are pretty horrible, but without a real camera, they're the best i can do. i had to blast the saturation to get the yellow in the photos to slightly resemble the yellow on our walls. it's a richer, sunnier hue in real life...but that's what you get with an iPhone and bad lighting.

the framed photograph above our table was a gift from maddie. i love it. it's perfect. (it says, "sammy's food made with love.")

it's so nice to have a place to sit and enjoy breakfast!

french

i have been very good at taking breaks this week. it's been really nice having the opportunity to relax a little bit. unfortunately some of the relaxing has been forced on me. i had an IUD inserted yesterday morning, and holy crap that hurt! i really had no idea how painful it would be. i think it might have been the worst pain i have experienced thus far in my life...i'm now dreading childbirth even more. i'm such a wimp. anyway, i've had consistent cramps (the worst of my life) ever since 9:00 yesterday morning. they've subsided a bit today, so i'm hoping they're mostly gone by tomorrow.

sorry if that was too much information....kinda....eh, not really. if you haven't caught on yet, i am very very open on this blog. ;)

anyway, this was my favorite break this week:

levi took me to la crêperie for breakfast on wednesday morning. i had hot chocolate and belgium waffles with strawberries, cream, and maple syrup....surprisingly, i finished it all. it was so nice going out for breakfast on a work/school day. i could get used to this...

i hope you all have exciting, fun, & relaxing weekends lined up. i will (hopefully) be studying for my big scary french midterm on tuesday. procrastination, please stay far far away from me this weekend.

when you can't have a vacation

hmmm. i don't really have a whole lot to say right now, but i'd like to at least pop in. i've gotten a bit out of the habit of blogging.

a lot has been going on, but i think it would sound all "wah wah wah" to share it all with you.

lottttttts of stressful events happening over here. lots of money gone. lots of trips to the dmv and the doctor. lots of forms to fill out and more money to spend and more waiting and worrying. lots of getting pulled over for things like half of your left brake light is not lighting up and did you know the lights over your license plate are out? here. let me give you a ticket for that.

all this adds up to complete exhaustion and (more than) a hint of apathy.

i'm just trying to pull together some motivation to get things done when i'm having trouble caring about anything other than my need for a vacation.

since a vacation isn't a possibility right now, i'm learning a lot about the need to take little breaks and how to actually implement that into my life.

taking pictures of your extremely cute/devilishly handsome boyfriend in line at the dmv can be a break:

dressing up can be a break:

removing all makeup, taking the contacts out, & switching to glasses for an early evening walk can be a break:

snacks in the bath can be a break (btw, drinks in the shower are nice too):

i even put together a little diagram of "little breaks" i can take:

i'm trying to continue to add to my little picture. and i'm trying to be very intentional about my attitude and behaviour when i take a break - usually this means "no worrying about other things when you're on a break!"

what are some things you do to take little breaks? maybe i'll add them to my list.

easter

i have a feeling that this post is going to have a lot of pictures...and i might yammer on a bit. that happens sometimes when i'm exhausted...which i have been for the last couple days.

we had a really nice easter. our church, rock harbor, joined up with some other churches for a really big service at the orange county fairgrounds. there was singing, dancing, a message, and a ton of baptisms. it was really cool. the only downside was the evil, blistering sun that i had to hide from the entire time:

and i still left with a sunburn on my shoulders.

next up was a really delicious picnic (great sandwiches, mom!!) in the park with my family, minus my little sister, ivy. she's in italy right now with her school. lucky thing! and easter was actually on her 18th birthday! we missed her a lot!

mom

zachary & chrystal

buttercup

(can you tell i made levi upload the hipstamatic app on the leviPhone??)

we had a grown up easter egg hunt. stupid little kids kept trying to steal our eggs! how rude, right?? if my kids started trying to steal other people's easter eggs, they would be in soooo much trouble.

...anyway....we all filled up eggs for each other. it was really fun. my mom's eggs were best. she loaded them up with cash. i, unfortunately, didn't find any of the cash eggs...except for the one my brother filled with pennies.

yeah.

however, levi found the $20 egg! that made up for my bad luck!

we all got pretty creative with our eggs. zachary filled one with celery. levi gave a chile filled egg. and i filled one of mine with paper clips and a note that said, "i love you. love, jasmine." lots of fun!

i think this photo's funny. levi is choking, and i'm just relaxing with my root beer, waiting for him to finish. haha!

then he's blinded by the sun.

then he manages a squint at the camera.

more blinded levi. poor levi.

there. now he's safe from the sun.

and to sum up, here are my shoes:

i hope you all had happy easters too!

tomorrow can't be friday!

i am WIPED OUT.

i spent my spring break running errands, cleaning, and trying to take care of things on my to-do list...even though it seemed like everything i crossed off was replaced by another to-do...

i started a list of all the things i accomplished this week to post on the blog...but it was far too long and boring to expose any of you to, so i erased it. let's just say i kicked some serious to-do list ass. unfortunately, the list isn't empty. damn you, list!!! i will defeat you!

one of the highlights of my week was stopping by SusieCakes in newport beach for a piece of their amazing tropical coconut cake. if you ever have the opportunity, please go there and try it. i had a dream that it was my birthday, and my birthday cake was an entire SusieCakes tropical coconut cake. it was a really good dream.

and now it is time for a bath.

good night!