29 January, 2010

rage: the new way

today, i had my first huge challenge since i started my medication.

i had to deal with the horrific nightmare that is united airlines again...remember how they lost our bags over thanksgiving? and they promised to reimburse us $400 for things we had to buy and the inconvenience? yeah, they've decided that they don't need to honor that promise even though we already spent that money and sent them all of the original receipts as directed.

soooo obviously, when i received a letter instead of the check i was expecting (and really needing - that could pay for a month of counseling and psychiatrist appointments), i got pissed. i called them, and their customer service is maddening, so i got even more frustrated. bottom line - they're not budging.

buuuuuut i didn't throw anything! i didn't scream! i yelled at them and gave them a HUGE piece of my mind, but that's fairly normal, i think. i didn't hit or kick anything. and i've actually calmed down after less than an hour!

this is GIGANTIC for me. such a huge difference from a month ago.

i've still got a lot of work to do, and my medication still needs to be tweaked a little here and there, but i'm on my way.

sorry this has turned into a "how i'm coping with the problem in my brain" blog, but that's what i need it for right now. i can't wait til the day i'll be able to come here more often and write about other things.

22 January, 2010

my new life

this shit is hard!

all this getting better business has been the most difficult thing i've ever had to do in my life.

having to suck it up and spend the bajillions of dollars on psychiatrist appointments, medication, weekly counseling sessions, blah, blah, blah is hard.

being patient with my results is hard.

relearning pretty much everything is hard.

i mean this stuff goes deep.

we now have a diagnosis for what is "wrong" with me. i have severe mood dysregulation...yes, that is what it is called & how it is spelled.

i am having to change my entire life to get better.

i even have to change my sleeping habits! i am seriously supposed to be going to bed before midnight. when my doctor told me this, my response was, "seriously? why??"

apparently it has to do with circadian rhythms and my body rhythms and regulating...stuff?

obviously, i don't totally understand, but the doctor says it must be. so it shall be.

i've even had to give up caffeine for the time being, and i really should be reducing my sugar intake. blah.

it's like starting over. it's like being a baby again, but with all these habits and all this baggage that babies don't have.

it's tough, and on the hard days, i really wish i didn't have to do this...or i at least wish that it wouldn't take so long. (can you tell i'm the world's most impatient person??)

but i'm getting through it. i know it's necessary. and i know i will have a better future because of all of this.

i could still use your prayers though.


09 January, 2010


i'm feeling a little bit better right now than i was last week when i wrote that post.

since i haven't really held back on this blog, i've decided to be really honest with you guys now. i still don't know how often i'll be on here, but i know i can't give it up entirely.

if you follow me on twitter, you already know a little bit about what's going on.

over the last couple months, i've been having a really tough time. i should say an extra tough time because, honestly, life has always been really, really difficult for me. just getting through the days is really difficult for me - keeping a job, interacting with people, controlling my temper, etc, etc, etc. there are no small problems for me, only big ones.

last week, it all came to a boiling point, and i had a mental breakdown.

the last couple months leading up to this have been bad. i've been getting more and more introverted (which is odd because i was always a really social, lively person). i've been afraid to leave the house, avoiding social situations, and making enemies, not friends. i have had a lot of anger...i should really say rage. that's a more appropriate description. and i have been SO stressed. stressed by anything and everything. panicked. paranoid. nervous. anxious. agitated. miserable.

i feel like God has been pushing me to this breaking point, putting me in situations that were way too much for me to handle - breaking me down bit by bit, piece by piece, feeling by feeling, until a shell of a person was left.

but there is always hope. and that's where my strength lies. i have never been through a bad situation and come out of it hopeless. i almost lost hope this time. i came really close. but i didn't. it's still there.


i went to see a psychiatrist last week. and as it turns out, this is not my fault. i'm not a bad person who just can't get her act together. i'm a person who is sick. the part of my brain that is responsible for regulating moods doesn't really work. my brain doesn't know which mood to send out in which situation, and it doesn't know the appropriate intensity to send out either. so i've just been all over the place. in a word, i've been crazy. and the longer this has gone, the more damaged my nerve cells have become - so the problem has gotten worse and harder to maintain and hide.

he prescribed me two medications, and i'm already starting to feel a little better. for the first time in my life, i have felt peace. usually, i have about 20 thoughts going through my head at a time, fragments of thoughts, conflicting thoughts, crazy, consuming, tormenting thoughts. about an hour after i took my first pill, i sat still for a moment, and my brain wasn't racing. i think i only had one thought, maybe two, maybe none, but certainly not 20. and i didn't feel panicked or paranoid. i didn't feel anxious. i felt calm. it was so weird. it was so foreign. it was so exciting!

obviously, i'm not cured, and, obviously, my medication hasn't kicked in fully yet. but i've had a glimpse of what's to come. and i am on the road to getting better. i've taken the first big, giant step - the biggest step i've ever taken in my life.

next week, i'm going to start counseling. i'll probably stay in counseling for the rest of my life. and i couldn't be more pleased with that decision. it means that i've let go of the idea of trying to "fix" myself. i've let go of all the control. God's going to have to take it from here.

and it feels so fucking good.

***if anyone out there is broke and uninsured, here's an amazing resource for you - NeedyMeds - this is how i am going to be getting my (insanely expensive) medication. you just search by the generic or brand name of your medication, and it will show you programs that can help with the cost.***

02 January, 2010

the end for now

this is going to be my last post for an indefinite period of time.

hopefully, i'll come back; i'm just not sure about anything.

thank you so much for being with me this whole time; i love you all.
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