i have worn many hats

for the last month or so, i have been looking back at all the different things i have done & tried throughout my 27 years on this planet.

here's a list.

1. i was on the king koopa show in the first grade.

2. i played volleyball & tennis for my high school. i also hurdled & high jumped.

3. i had a career as a wedding coordinator from the age 0f 20-24 approximately.

4. i have babysat and nannied since i was 10.

5. i got my first job when i was 12 at a concession stand on the beach.

6. i taught preschool dance classes. one of my classes was a group of 8 two year olds. insanity!

7. i frequently stood up at conferences and voiced the position of my country on topics such as female genital mutilation, child hunger, oil, nuclear weapons, and other global issues in model united nations. my high school had a reputation as one of the top three schools in the nation.

8. i worked at a flower shop.

9. i used to serve genuine afternoon tea at a little french tea garden.

10. i sold time share units.

11. i've had jobs at a bike store, jamba juice, and a $15 clothing store...all within walking distance of my house.

12. i worked at a bathing suit store where i sometimes had to walk around in a bikini top and a sarong.

13. i sold makeup at macy's and beautiful clothes at anthropologie.

14. i went to esthetician school FORTY hours a week for 4 months, passed my state board exam, and received my esthetician's license last december.

15. i've worked in the following types of offices: cardiologist, gastroenterologist, optometrist, general practitioner, school district, construction, and web-based vitamin store.

16. i helped start a ministry.

17. i almost finished an education degree.

18. i've accumulated more than 140 college units...still no degree. my major? school.

and after all of this, what have i learned?

i'm not quite sure.

i've learned that i like to try new things and that i haven't really liked any of the hats i've worn enough to keep them on for very long...obviously.

i've learned that i'm kind of embarrassed by my lengthy resume. i feel like it shows a lack of commitment. i look at it and see that i'm restless and haven't really found satisfaction in anything i've tried. it makes me feel like a misfit. i'm like the little elf who wants to be a dentist...except that the little elf knows he wants to be a dentist. i don't really know what i want to be...besides a mom. but it would be nice to maybe make some money in the next two or three child-free years i have left.

right now, i don't have a plan. i don't like not having a plan. i'm a planner. i'm really really good at it...i mean my longest, most successful career to date was as a professional planner, for crying out loud! flying by the seat of my pants makes me really nervous. it makes me feel uneasy and unsettled. it makes me generate ideas for potential plans and goals at rapid speeds . i have honestly considered and researched six different majors this month. one of them was fitness. fitness?? yes, fitness. what would i do with that, you say? i have no idea.

so where does this leave me? it leaves me exactly where i started...which really isn't a very bad place to be. i enjoy my life. i love levi with all my heart. we share an adorable apartment and wake up next to each other every morning. i am going to have his beautiful babies one day, and he fully supports my plan and desire to stay home and raise them. i enjoy school. i get to dance four days a week. i am learning to speak a beautiful language. i'm reading and discussing books with my brilliant literature teacher. i'm working on my backhand. and as far as the finances go - we don't have a lot of money, but we certainly have enough for right now.

so all i can do right now is take my life and live it the best way i know how. i can live each moment with faith and love - faith in the fact that God has a plan for me and that sometimes it's okay for me to fly by the seat of my pants, and love for God, for levi, for myself, for my family, for gretel, for lily, for my neighbors, for my friends, for each and every one of you, for the people in my classes, the people i share a bus with, the people who serve me coffee, the people i see sleeping on the streets, the people going to bed without enough food, the people i see every day, and the people i will never meet, living in countries i will never visit.

i think that's a pretty good plan.