24 March, 2009

i can be a total baby sometimes.

i spent almost the entire day indoors today wearing no makeup and staring at the computer. it wasn't entirely unenjoyable, but i stayed in mostly because i'm in a bad, cranky, moody mood. levi told me about a job prospect at a spa (i'm an esthetician, btw) that might be hiring, and, for some reason, this really freaked me out. i've been out of work for months, and we need more money. absolutely. just a little bit more money would help us soooo much. but i'm scared, and i have a really schizophrenic love/hate relationship with change. i put so much time, money, hard work, early mornings, tears, and misery into getting my esthetician's license. i even wore this beastly uniform. (for some reason, i am doing verrrry weird things in all the pictures i have of me in the uniform.) hopefully, you can tell how perfectly hideous it was. let me just say, i had to wear black, drawstring, Dickie's (blech) scrub pants. ew. ew. ewww.

i just threw this one b/c i think it's funny

i wanted it that bad. but now it's the last thing i want. now i don't give a crappp about skin care and waxing. i can think of a thousand jobs i'd rather have than being an esthetician. i don't know what happened. maybe it was self protection. maybe after seeing how bad the economy was and how few positions were out there, i just started telling myself i didn't really want it anyway. whatever the reason, that's where i'm at right now. it's silly. i know i'm just being a baby. i mean, we don't even know if there is a job. ugh. i'm an expert at worrying about things that aren't even problems yet and turning good things into bad things in my head. everything will look better tomorrow. i know it.


  1. oh man :( i know how you feel! i went out and spent almost 4 grand on a new camera and lenses, something i had to take out a loan for, and now every time someone wants me to take pictures for them, i get compeltely nauseas and wonder if photography is really what i want to be doing with my life . . . i always feel better when i get back from the session and get the photos uploaded onto my computer, start editing, etc. it might be a little different, but i don't think what you're feeling is abnormal. just do what feels right! :)

  2. I feel the same way right now. Every job I see in my field I kind of hope I don't get. I just want something I love. Is that too much to ask?

  3. you are an esthecian? Shut up!! I am a licensed cosmetologist!!! actually, no not really because i haven't renewed my license and no plans to. i used to do hair for like ten years or something crazy like that before I went to school. crazyyyyyy

  4. Wow, I feel as if I could have written this post. I too am a licensed esthetician and reality has just set in. There are NO jobs out there. I really loved skin care when I was in school but trying to find work is making me resent the money and time that I spent getting my license. Right now I am applying for jobs completely unrelated to my field as well as trying to still find estie jobs. I am applying at local bakeries because I think that cupcakes may actaully be my true calling :) Good luck on the job front.

  5. hi jen! i have been trying to find a way to contact you (other than responding to your comment here), but i couldn't! i don't have a live journal account so i wasn't able to leave a comment there, and i didn't see an email address on your page. hopefully, you come back and see this!

    annnnyway, totally the worst time EVER to get an esthetician's license huh? i am sooooo glad that you can relate to this. i feel like SUCH a jerk for not being that into it anymore, but i can't help it! the bakery idea is excellent. i had never even considered that but it's definitely worth some consideration!

    thanks for your comment and sharing your story, jen! i appreciate it.


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