04 May, 2011

change change change

i'm having a mild freak-out right now.

there is SO much change swirling around us, and it's awesome. so many good things are happening. it's exciting!

but everything feels like it's changing right now, and that freaks me out.

i'm scared.

sometimes it feels safer for everything and everyone to just stay the same. but then how would anyone ever learn or grow?

for example, my mom is in the process of finding a new place to live, and i just found out that my little sister might not be going with her. this scares the crap out of me!! i worry about her so much already. i just want her to be happy and safe and to never feel any hurt, disappointment, or regret. but that's just ridiculous. how will she ever grow as a person if she never makes any mistakes? and it's not like i can keep her from making mistakes anyway. and this might not even be a mistake! maybe it's the best thing for her! i don't know. i just want to control it all.

i want everything and everyone to do exactly what i think is best, so that i can keep everyone from getting hurt or making mistakes. i want everything to be perfect, so that we can all stay safe and happy. i want to protect my little world. i guess i sometimes see change as a threat to my little world. it's unpredictable. i might not like it. i might want things the way they used to be.

this is how i've always been. i've always simultaneously needed change and hated change. i'm such a gemini. i think i believe that every single thing that's scaring me right now is all for the better. i think all these things are improvements. for me and everyone involved.

and even if they're not improvements, even if some of these decision turn out to be mistakes, so what? can't we all recover from mistakes? the love i have for my family is strong enough to conquer any of these things. the love i have for my husband is strong enough to survive the risks we're taking right now. i am strong enough to handle anything that comes my way. i doubt my strength every single day, but my doubt has been proven wrong countless times. sooner or later, i'm just going to have to start having more faith in God, in my family, and in myself. the sooner i get to that place, the happier i will be.

no more freak-outs for today. everything is going to be just fine.


  1. Love the way you thought everything out as you were writing and the freak out left...yippeee! I am sure everything will work out in the end and be just fine, just as you say...for you, your mother, sister, everyone!

    Liesl :)

  2. I tooottally get you. I'm always craving change and at the same time feel the need to be in total control of it for everyone involved. In the end it always turns out fine and I'm sure that will be the case for you too :)

  3. Oh girl, I am so the same... when things start changing, especially for the better, I freak a bit. Well maybe more that a bit, and I become convinced if whatever good is coming really does then there must be something bad right around the corner, like some sort of disease or bleh. Then my heart starts racing and it is so not even worth typing because its ridiculous! Things change and it can be good!

    Chin up and eyes forward. To awesomeness!

    With that said, it's really nice to hear that other people feel like this :)

  4. "A change would do you good"

    That song popped into my head as soon as I read the title. And now it's stuck. Anyway, sometimes change is for the best. Go with the flow, sweetcheeks. (Yeah, I just called you sweetcheeks. Go with it.)

  5. I'm a Gemini and can COMPLETELY relate to how you're feeling right now. My youngest sister is 19 and I still freak daily. Change seems wonderful at times but I find so much comfort in stability. :)

  6. It's like watching you dance with the Universe. Really check yourself out in the mirror once in a while and you'll notice that you're perfect ;)

  7. Oh, nothing is scarier for me than change. Do you know what I think is funny though? No matter how scary it is we still crave it. We wonder how life could be different. How we could improve it. We wonder how we can dress it differently. We never stop trying to change it :)

  8. Me too. I'm also a Gemini, and also both love and hate change. Funny how that works! I love new things and new experiences but I don't like change when it's out of my control. I think that's the difference. I hope your changes will be for the better!


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