i'm having a mild freak-out right now.
there is SO much change swirling around us, and it's awesome. so many good things are happening. it's exciting!
but everything feels like it's changing right now, and that freaks me out.
sometimes it feels safer for everything and everyone to just stay the same. but then how would anyone ever learn or grow?
for example, my mom is in the process of finding a new place to live, and i just found out that my little sister might not be going with her. this scares the crap out of me!! i worry about her so much already. i just want her to be happy and safe and to never feel any hurt, disappointment, or regret. but that's just ridiculous. how will she ever grow as a person if she never makes any mistakes? and it's not like i can keep her from making mistakes anyway. and this might not even be a mistake! maybe it's the best thing for her! i don't know. i just want to control it all.
i want everything and everyone to do exactly what i think is best, so that i can keep everyone from getting hurt or making mistakes. i want everything to be perfect, so that we can all stay safe and happy. i want to protect my little world. i guess i sometimes see change as a threat to my little world. it's unpredictable. i might not like it. i might want things the way they used to be.
this is how i've always been. i've always simultaneously needed change and hated change. i'm such a gemini. i think i believe that every single thing that's scaring me right now is all for the better. i think all these things are improvements. for me and everyone involved.
and even if they're not improvements, even if some of these decision turn out to be mistakes, so what? can't we all recover from mistakes? the love i have for my family is strong enough to conquer any of these things. the love i have for my husband is strong enough to survive the risks we're taking right now. i am strong enough to handle anything that comes my way. i doubt my strength every single day, but my doubt has been proven wrong countless times. sooner or later, i'm just going to have to start having more faith in God, in my family, and in myself. the sooner i get to that place, the happier i will be.
no more freak-outs for today. everything is going to be just fine.