GO! See!!

The Summer issue of The Violet is up!! It's finally here! Huzzah!

It's a truly gorgeous issue full of beautiful photos, inspiring articles, great recipes, and fun ideas. Camilla, her team, and her contributors worked so hard, and the result was totally worth it.

I actually contributed to this issue! I did the flower feature and wrote a piece about falling in love with life.

So? What are you waiting for? Go check it out, and enjoy. :)

writing it down

growing up, my mom worked at a doctor's office downstairs from our apartment. i remember going in to say hello after getting dropped off after school. i remember sitting in the chair next to her desk, watching her answer the phone and filling in the lines of the doctor's appointment book. i remember looking at the newest pens from pharmaceutical reps. i remember listening to the clackity-clack clamor of the typewriter as my mom swiftly moved her fingers across the keys. i remember the hum of the copy machine and the warmth of the sheets of paper it ejected. i remember hiding underneath her desk in the winter time right in front of the electric heater in the wall with its red-hot coils exuding warmth. sometimes she would let me stay there, hiding, while she sat down with a patient at her desk.

i hated when my mom told me to get up because a patient needed to sit in the chair i occupied. i would stand in the back hallway, hidden from view, peeking, listening, waiting for my chance to return.

i loved when my mom had to get up to escort a patient to a room. while she weighed them and made notes in their chart, i spun myself in circles in her office chair and rooted through her drawers for Tic Tacs, Coffee Nips, and the odd Werther's hard candy.

i never left voluntarily. my mom had to tell me to go upstairs to have a snack and do my homework. most days, i found reasons to call her at the office. sometimes she stopped picking up because she knew i was only calling to ask if i could have a cookie or get the Lite Brite down from the top of a closet. there was a simple solution for this. i would walk into the hallway right in front of my bedroom and stomp on the hardwood floors directly above her desk. after a few stomps, she would call the house phone and tell me to stop. she sounded irritated and told me to stop bothering her at work, but, looking back, i think she knew that i just wanted to hear her voice. i think she knew that i wished i could stay down there in the office with her all day, watching her work, listening to her talk, feeling her near. i think she knew that i liked her best out of everyone in the whole wide world.

thisiswhathappenswhenimissacounselingsession

(i wrote this a few nights ago. i have since been back to my counselor & feel much better.)

sometimes i feel boring. i feel like there's a protective barrier of ice in my brain, separating my conscious from my sub-conscious. i don't allow myself to dive into the depths of my mind anymore. instead, i tiptoe across the surface, peering down into the velvety, rich layers below. the abyss intrigues me; it beckons me. i want to go back there, to a place so terrifically familiar; a place where i used to dwell for days, weeks, & months at a time, shrouding myself in the things that grow down there, sinking further & further, stretching out farther & deeper, letting the deep envelop me, floating in the intoxicating, dangerous waters of my mind. i was so deep that i felt my soul. i thought i was getting closer to the core of it all, but it was too much for me. my ears would start to pound, my eyes bulged, my lungs screamed. it was terrifying. i would break the surface, gasping for the safety of the shallow, relieved to breathe again but devastated that i had come so close only to fail. so i have learned to stay away from those depths that i'm so drawn to. it's safer to only scratch the surface, maybe dip my toe in when i find a crack in the ice. but nothing more. i'd be lying if i said i didn't miss that place though. my soul weeps for it. i ache. i want to feel everything again. i want to get to that place right before it becomes too much. i want to stretch my limbs until i feel like i'll be torn apart. i want back inside those deep, dark, unpredictable layers that have threatened to swallow me up, time & time again.

a mind

(image source)

a rational mind

a logical mind

a thoughtful mind

a perplexed mind

a confused mind

an analytical mind

a busy mind

a sensitive mind

a computing mind

a problem solving mind

a troubled mind

a conflicted mind

a panicked mind

a ceaseless mind

a mind that never sleeps, never rests.

always working, synapses always firing, always controlling, always maintaining, always functioning, always.

this brain of mine does a lot. it keeps me going physically, mentally, emotionally.

if it stopped working altogether, i'd be in trouble.

in a sense, my brain, my mind, controls me.

it enables me to do, to create, to breathe, to love, to problem solve, to live.

it does things i have no control over.

but if left completely to its own devices, i'd go insane.

my mind, my thoughts - they have the ability to run free and wild. they have the ability to get me into trouble, to hurt me, to make me unhappy and miserable.

this thing that keeps me going, this thing i have no on or off switch for, this thing that monitors and controls my body without a single word from me, has the ability to overrun me, to take over.

unless, i exhibit some control over it, over my mind, my brain, my control center.

how strange that there is something within us beyond a brain! something that can actually control the thoughts that come out of it.

what is that something?

is it a soul?

a conscience?

an ego?

superego?

our id?

is it just another segment of our brain?

how strange that we really can't say. we don't know. this thing that is the essence of who we are, the core of self, the thing that separates man from animal and men from each other, remains nameless.

mysterious.

unknown.

unclaimed.

and it's ours to do with as we wish.

it's ours to decide what that thing is, and no one can ever tell us we're wrong.

essentially, it's the only thing we can ever truly own or control.

what a great responsibility!

what a fantastic freedom!

what a source of joy! a gift!

in a world so full of outside influences, we have the ultimate say over who we are, what we do, and all that we become.

wanted:

i need friends.

i mean, i have friends. i can say things like "oh my friend so-and-so is from texas" or "i have a friend who used to follow the grateful dead on tour." and there are plenty of status updates, photos, and quiz results in my news feed on my facebook. you know, things like that. i know people. i have friendships with people. i talk to them on the phone. we text message and email. we even write letters...you know the kind that you actually mail.

but i don't really ever see my friends. i don't get to spend genuine, in-person, "real life" time with them. they all live somewhere else, or they're just too plain busy for me. i can't really think of anyone who i can just call on a tuesday afternoon and say, "hey do you wanna grab a coffee or a cupcake with me?" or "do you want to take a walk to the beach?" or "how bout you come over and watch clueless with me? we'll bake some cookies and reminisce about how terrific the 90s were."

when i do see friends, the time has to be scheduled in. we make arrangements a couple weeks in advance and pencil the plans into our blackberries. a lot of the time, the plans are cancelled. something comes up. life happens. i understand. i know. don't feel bad. but i really did want to see you. i really did need some human interaction with someone who knows me, someone who isn't levi or my family. i wanted to hear about the annoying guy who always steals your ideas at work. i wanted to see pictures of your new puppy. i might have even wanted to show you pictures of our new kitten and tell you about how much i hate my ballet class.

i love my time by myself. i like dictating what i'm going to do and when i'm going to do it. i like procrastinating by watching 18 kids and counting instead of doing my french homework. i need that time. but i need people time too. more specifically, i need girl time, talking time, sharing time.

and i'm not quite sure how to get it. making new friends is really scary. and it's really really really hard to find people who i feel like i can be friends with - people who are in the same phase of life as me, people who are happy to do the same kinds of things that i like to do, people around my age, people who live nearby, people who have time for me. i feel like i'm in this weird phase of life that makes it difficult to meet new people with similar interests. i'm 27. i'm definitely older than the people in my classes. i'm in a serious relationship. i don't want to go out drinking and partying. i don't have kids so i can't meet other moms at the park or in playgroups. it kinda makes me wish that they had internet "friending" sites like they do for dating. a place where i could check all the appropriate boxes, punch in my preferences, likes, dislikes, availability, and out pops a list of friendship matches for me.

but that's not realistic. i don't know of a website like that, and, even if i did, i don't think i would trust it. i'm going to have to do this the old fashioned way and just keep my eyes open for kindred spirits who'd like to come over for a cup of coffee and a friends marathon.

on the bus ride home from school

yesterday, i found myself sitting on the bus resting my head against the window at a red light. the vibration from the idling engine shook the tears that had already been welling in my eyes causing them to trickle down my cheeks. i was crying. on a bus. packed with a ton of people who don't know my name. who don't know my thoughts and ambitions. who don't know my likes and dislikes.

to begin with, bus people, my name is jasmine lael hunter. my thoughts and ambitions change too rapidly for me to sit here listing them for you...or for me to pretend like i understand them myself. today, my likes seem to be few, and my dislikes seem to be vast. i feel aimless. i feel undisciplined. i can't make myself fit into any categories i've come across...God knows i've tried to find an appropriate label for myself. i don't know what i want "to do." i can't seem to find the proper fit. well, that's not entirely true. i want to have children. i want to be a mother. but, right now, i'm not a mother. i don't have any babies to look after. so, bus people, please tell me, what do i do now? how do i kill time until i get to do what i want to do? why has this been the only consistent answer i have to the question"what do you want to be when you grow up"? what am i supposed to with that? can any one of you tell me, oh distinguished patrons of public transportation? i can't major in preparation for motherhood. i can't take classes on what's best to feed my children or how to put on a cloth diaper and administer cough syrup. i don't want to live my pre-baby life simply longing for the day i can have children. i don't want to feel like i'm waiting for something. because, just like everything else, waiting can turn into a bad habit. if i feel like i'm waiting, longing, and killing time now, who's to say i won't feel like that when my desires have been realized? who's to say i'll ever be satisfied with anything i've done? bus people, can you tell me anything?? can anybody help me?

no one said a word.

they all just sat and stared.

i wrote that yesterday. i wasn't exactly in a chipper mood. but it was how i was feeling at the moment...so i wrote about it. and now i'm sharing it with you, even if it's not exactly positive. please don't worry about me. i'm a moody girl, and i tend to feel things more deeply than is necessary in the moment. it is true that i don't really know what i want "to do" besides become a mom. but, right now, i don't think of my time without kids as "killing time". time isn't meant to be killed or filled. it's meant to be treasured and used wisely. i don't want to just kill my time; i want to do important things with it and make it count for something...even if it's only something small. when i was rereading what i wrote, this popped into my head:

"delight yourself in the lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart. commit your way to the lord; trust in him, and he will do this: he will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun." psalm 37:4-6

so i choose to keep my face turned toward the sky and to just keep going.

my biggest problem

i crave perfection.

i seek perfection.

i need perfection.

perfect body.

perfect hair.

perfect skin.

perfect grammar.

perfect vocabulary.

perfect home.

perfect pursuits.

perfect days.

perfect progress.

perfect success.

perfect love.

perfect happiness.

i'm always seeking to capture an essence - an essence of a taste, color, mood, memory, feeling, time, place.

i get so distracted by my quest for perfection that i forget the present.

i put off happiness saying, "i'll be happy when..." "i'll be happy if..."

what about "i'll be happy now"?

under all circumstances?

with or without perfection?

sometimes.

sometimes i laugh my loudest when i'm alone.

sometimes i turn on the ting tings and dance like a fool all by myself.

sometimes long beach looks so beautiful that my eyes get wet.

sometimes i'm so filled with inspiration and joy that i want to spin and sing like maria on those green rolling hills.

sometimes i really truly feel how much God loves me instead of just knowing it.

and sometimes everything just makes sense.