hi!

hello! i'm back!!

i took an unintentional break, and it was fantastic!!

life got really crazy for a few weeks, and i just needed a break from the world.

the crazies:

i had my IUD removed and went back on the pill. my horrible, almost-daily cramps were gone instantly and haven't come back since. it's been awesome!!! but i've been really bloated since too. it's gone down some, but i know it'll be a little while 'til i feel "normal" again. my clothes literally fit me perfectly one day and didn't fit me the next. not fun. silver lining to all this: my boobs have been HUGE, and i love it! this is such a novelty for my A-cup self!

levi got a new job! that was probably the most uprooting change of all. it was 100% a GREAT thing, but it took a lot out of us. we've been completely exhausted. and we've been a little bit scared. he's getting paid in a completely different way now, and that change will probably end up improving our finances significantly... but at first, it feels very unstable. and scary.

i accompanied levi on a business trip to paso robles. he was teaching a class for his side job. it was a very quick trip. we drove up on sunday, he taught the class on monday morning, and we drove home monday afternoon. on the way up and back, we stopped in santa barbara, which was really nice. except on the way back, i all the sudden came down with the flu and a fever. thennnnn as we were driving home, our car broke down. it just stopped on the freeway. at night. in the rain. levi was able to get us over to the right shoulder, but it was in a very dark spot on a curve right next to a guard rail. cars were flying by us soooooo fast. some were going over the divider line. i was so terrified. we had to sit there and wait for over an hour. i really thought we could die. we got our car towed off the freeway and ended up stranded for a couple hours. my brother came to get us, and we left the car there. the next day, while i was sick on the couch, levi and my brother went back to get the car with a u-haul trailer. by the third day, it was fixed! it all turned out well, but it was very draining, very stressful, and very scary.

i took my flu and the car madness as an opportunity to check out for a few days. i didn't work. i didn't blog. i didn't open my laptop. i read and did puzzles in the newspaper. i went for walks. i met levi for lunch. i did some yoga. i rested. and most importantly, i took a break from worrying too.

i never want to worry again. it's exhausting and draining. it's counterproductive. it's poisonous and toxic. and i can't do it anymore. obviously, there will always be stressful things, and you have to react to stressful situations, but you don't have to turn those scenarios over and over again in your head to the point where you truly believe any possible outcome will be the worst thing to ever happen in the history of the world. obviously i'm exaggerating a little, but just a little.

so now that i've had a taste of what it's like to go through a few days without worrying, i want more. i feel like i have a better understanding of how to avoid worrying. but even as i sit here typing this, i'm feeling anxiety over my job bubbling up. i have to quell that anxiety. you hear that, anxiety? you're not welcome here anymore! go away!!!

alright, so that was my little rambling for today. the morals of the story:

1. anxiety = bad

2. bigger boobs = good ;)

3. if you're stressed and exhausted and you find an opportunity to take a break, GRAB IT and hold onto it for as long as you can.

4. i missed you. :)

crisis averted

so the problem i alluded to earlier had to do with the wedding. we've been debating whether or not to call it off over the last couple weeks. not the marriage, just the wedding.

it all boiled down to $2,000. it was all the money we needed to be able to pull it off, but we had no way to come up with it. none whatsoever.

let me tell you - we have been stressed over here. like sick-to-our-stomachs-constant-headaches-can't-focus-on-anything-can-hardly-eat STRESSED.

so last night we asked my mom if we could borrow the money, and she said yes! now the wedding IS happening.

it's a relief to have that finally settled. at the last hour. with only 5 weeks to go.

now, hopefully, i can start looking forward to it because, honestly, i've just been dreading the whole thing...probably the entire time we've been planning it actually. i don't think anyone will ever understand just how difficult this time has been for us. my family will be the closest to understanding. i know every wedding is stressful, but this was not your average wedding stress. maybe i'll tell you about it someday, but today, i'm just happy to know there's a way to make this thing happen.

today is my first dress fitting.

maybe now i'll finally get to feel like a bride.

i'm going to try my absolute hardest to enjoy this last month. i think i'll be able to now that we know it can and will happen.

praise jesus!!!

actually

yesterday was a tough day.

so last night, levi & i ate our feelings & watched love actually 'til 2:00 in the morning.

and even though nothing was actually resolved, i went to bed very happy.

i posed this question on my twitter last night:

"help! i can't tell you the problem, but send me your best advice anyway. thanks in advance."

i loved all the advice i received, so i wanted to pose the same question here. leave me a comment with your best advice. i'm going to do a post later with some of my favorites. and who knows? maybe you'll hit the nail on the head!

(also, please don't worry. levi & i are fine; life is just hard sometimes...which i'm sure you understand.)

on the bus ride home from school

yesterday, i found myself sitting on the bus resting my head against the window at a red light. the vibration from the idling engine shook the tears that had already been welling in my eyes causing them to trickle down my cheeks. i was crying. on a bus. packed with a ton of people who don't know my name. who don't know my thoughts and ambitions. who don't know my likes and dislikes.

to begin with, bus people, my name is jasmine lael hunter. my thoughts and ambitions change too rapidly for me to sit here listing them for you...or for me to pretend like i understand them myself. today, my likes seem to be few, and my dislikes seem to be vast. i feel aimless. i feel undisciplined. i can't make myself fit into any categories i've come across...God knows i've tried to find an appropriate label for myself. i don't know what i want "to do." i can't seem to find the proper fit. well, that's not entirely true. i want to have children. i want to be a mother. but, right now, i'm not a mother. i don't have any babies to look after. so, bus people, please tell me, what do i do now? how do i kill time until i get to do what i want to do? why has this been the only consistent answer i have to the question"what do you want to be when you grow up"? what am i supposed to with that? can any one of you tell me, oh distinguished patrons of public transportation? i can't major in preparation for motherhood. i can't take classes on what's best to feed my children or how to put on a cloth diaper and administer cough syrup. i don't want to live my pre-baby life simply longing for the day i can have children. i don't want to feel like i'm waiting for something. because, just like everything else, waiting can turn into a bad habit. if i feel like i'm waiting, longing, and killing time now, who's to say i won't feel like that when my desires have been realized? who's to say i'll ever be satisfied with anything i've done? bus people, can you tell me anything?? can anybody help me?

no one said a word.

they all just sat and stared.

i wrote that yesterday. i wasn't exactly in a chipper mood. but it was how i was feeling at the moment...so i wrote about it. and now i'm sharing it with you, even if it's not exactly positive. please don't worry about me. i'm a moody girl, and i tend to feel things more deeply than is necessary in the moment. it is true that i don't really know what i want "to do" besides become a mom. but, right now, i don't think of my time without kids as "killing time". time isn't meant to be killed or filled. it's meant to be treasured and used wisely. i don't want to just kill my time; i want to do important things with it and make it count for something...even if it's only something small. when i was rereading what i wrote, this popped into my head:

"delight yourself in the lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart. commit your way to the lord; trust in him, and he will do this: he will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun." psalm 37:4-6

so i choose to keep my face turned toward the sky and to just keep going.