31 January, 2012

A Week Later

It's been about a week since my miscarriage started, and I just wanted to post a little update on how we're doing.

First of all, I want to say thank you from the bottom of my heart for all the love and prayers everyone has sent my way - comments, emails, tweets, Facebook messages, text messages, phone calls, care packages at my front door. Thank you so much. You'll never know how much it all meant to me and Levi. It has helped so much. In ways that I didn't know it could. As soon as I pressed "publish" on my post, I felt immediate relief. There's something about getting things off my chest that helps me. Hearing stories from those of you who have gone through the same thing helped a lot too. There's something really isolating and almost shameful about a miscarriage. It made me feel inadequate as a woman. I know I'm not, but that's still how I felt.

Once the miscarriage was completely over, I started to feel a little bit better. I felt like I was carrying death around inside of me, and it really weighed heavily on my heart. I just wanted to get the whole thing over with. I feel really fortunate that I was able to miscarry naturally. I don't think I could have handled surgery since I really wasn't fit to be around people all week. I'm still not quite there. I wish I could wear a little sign around my neck telling people not to mind me because I'm grieving. That's one of the benefits of older social customs like wearing all black while in mourning... southern California doesn't really observe many social customs.

The thing that offered me the most comfort was how many people told me I would see my baby in heaven. It made me feel better to know that so many people believed my baby's very short life still counted, that she still had a soul and God still acknowledged her. One of the first things I pictured after this realization was Levi's mom holding our baby and loving her in heaven. She's the first grandchild Julee gets to meet. There's something really sweet and comforting about that.

Levi and I decided to name our baby. From the second we found out I was pregnant, we were both convinced our baby was a girl, so we named her Poppy.

(image by i.Anton on Flickr)

We're going to keep the little bunny we bought for her so that we have a physical reminder of our little Poppy.

Poppy's bunny:

Poppy's bunny

Again, thank you so much for all your support during this difficult time. I know this post was mostly rambling, but that's about all I'm good for right now. I'm also really good for watching The Big Bang Theory, eating horrible food, and not washing my hair. ;) We're starting to reestablish a routine, and I'm starting to heal. I'll have a few good hours, then it will all come back and smack me in the face. I'm sure it will be like this for awhile. I feel so fortunate to go through this all with Levi by my side. His first response when I told him we were losing our baby was to lay down and weep with me - heavy, heart-wrenching sobs. It was awful and horrible and painful, but this is what going through life together is all about. This has brought us even closer together, and I love him more now than I ever have before. As Levi told me this week, "I'd rather lose a baby with [him] than have one with anyone else."

God is giving me hope that our next pregnancy will result in a healthy, happy, perfect little baby, and that's what I'm going to hold onto right now.


  1. Sweetie, I'm so sorry. I named the baby we lost too, and also find comfort in knowing I'll get to see her in heaven one day. Hugs.

  2. Nothing can stop the hurt, but there is nothing like being in the trenches of pain with the right partner. BE gentle with yourself. This kind of loss will surprise you at the worst times, so take it really easy, and don't let anyone rush you through your grief.

  3. Hey there. Glad to hear that the official miscarriage part is over. I totally understand what you mean about loving your husband more now than before...we cried those very same body shaking tears with the loss of our little baby and as tragic as it was I'm grateful for the closeness that it brought us. Btw, I had the surgery yesterday and feel that I too can slowly start to move on. What a sad and emotional week! Sending prayers your way.

  4. I am so, so sorry for your loss. My first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage the week of this past November. I miscarried the Tuesday before Thanksgiving.

    The grieving will always be there and the intensity will come and go. You'll have days where you're ok and can function. Other days, it will come back to you out of nowhere. Be gentle with yourself on those days and allow yourself to go through this process -- there's no timeline of when you should be better.

    Perhaps my boy, Toviel, and your girl, Poppy, know each other in heaven and are playing together. I believe God holds a special place in his heart for our babies of miscarriage and still birth. Waiting to see them again some day is SO hard. The waiting SUCKS. But it gives me hope to keep on going.

    You'll be in my thoughts and prayers.

  5. Oh Jasmine! My heart is still broken for you! I am glad it has finally passed and you can start to heal! Chris and i love you and Levi to the moon and back!!

  6. hi, long time reader, first time commenter, i'm sorry i choose such a sad time to start commenting, but this post was just beautiful and so sad, i feel your pain. especially what you wrote about wearing a sign.... it makes me think of the saying that goes something like "be kind, for everyone is fighting a battle". I hope youre heart heals xx

  7. I am so glad to see this post...you are both, indeed, healing. It doesn't matter how long we do or don't have our children with us; they are ours and we know it to the depths of our marrow.

    I am so happy you and Levi gave your precious child her beautiful name, and relieved you kept her bunny, too. She knows she will always have a special place in your hearts and at your table.
    Keep finding strength in each new day. <3

  8. beautiful post, girl.

    isn't it amazing that God put you and Levi together so that you could be with the perfect person during difficult times?

  9. oh jasmine, my prayers are with you and levi in this difficult time. Remember that our God is GOOD. and loves you, levi and even your little one, even if it was for a short period of time. I can't wait to hear of a healthy baby in the future(:

  10. So sorry for that it's so heart broken. Hope you will get well soon! Always think positive and be strong.

  11. I pray that you and Levi continue to heal. I love the image of Levi's mom holding your beautiful baby Poppy. What a comforting thought.

  12. My heart is breaking for you and Levi. I don't have words of comfort but love the picture of Julee holding Poppy in her arms, loving her in a way that is so special. Praying for you and Levi.

  13. Oh Jasmine and Levi ..

    My heart is breaking in two.. It is one of the saddest things a couple goes through and I know that you are there for each other as well as all of your loving family and friends who are there for you, two.. as well.

    There are no words that will take away the sorrow but I want you to know that I am thinking of you and sending my love and prayers of strength and comfort.
    I miscarried at 7 weeks in 07... and I know how hard this is.. both physically and emotionally..

    Sending you both love...


  14. I love that you find comfort in imagining Poppy and Levi's mom in heaven together. Such a beautiful and comforting thought. I'm glad that you've decided to keep the bunny. I can just see your future baby snuggling with it.

  15. Poppy~absolutely stunning. Take a deep breath. You are strong. Cutie blog.


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