sometimes it seems like i've got the only good one

the other day, levi and i found out that two of our friends had broken up. they've been together for a long time and have a baby together. no one expected this at all. it has really upset me. both of us actually. it looks like he cheated on her too. this makes it so much worse. these people are our friends. both of them. levi has been especially close with the guy, and it's killing him that he would do something like this. that he would just throw everything away and completely tear apart the lives of those in his little family. it's so pointless and irresponsible and thoughtless and selfish and awful.

another one of my friends was just dumped by her boyfriend by email. he had just met her entire family. they had already seriously discussed marriage. and he sent her an EMAIL to end their relationship. jerk. her only response to the email was "ok." SO proud of her for that one.

another girl i know is about to have a baby with her ex (not exactly sure on the story, but i don't like a guy who dumps a pregnant girl). she's due in like two weeks. he hasn't told his parents yet and doesn't intend to.

the common trait to all these guys (besides the obvious as*hole trait) is that they're all Christians. they're all supposed to be men who love and follow Jesus. and, for the record, they are actual chuch-going Christians...not the ones who just go to church on Christmas and Easter. what is going on here?? why aren't there more MEN in the world? and especially in the Christian community. i mean, HELLO, Jesus set a pretty darn good example. you'd think these idiots could figure it out and learn how to treat a woman. sometimes it seems like the Christian men are worse than the guys who don't have any faith at all. it depresses me.

i hope it doesn't sound like i'm being judgmental here. i know i don't have room to judge. levi and i don't have the typical christian relationship. we're not married, and we live together. it's considered a no-no. we have made our decision based on various factors, and we stand by it. God may not condone our decision, but he understands us and loves us just the same. we're judged for this decision often, so i don't want to sit here and nitpick the actions of others who claim to love Jesus. but levi and i love each other actively. we treat each other well and work really hard on our relationship. we respect each other and listen to each other. we consider each other in everything we do. God is a part of our relationship and our decision making process. we may not do everything right, but we do these things right. the men i listed above don't seem to be doing anything right in regards to their relationships with women. how can this be? why is this happening? what are we teaching our boys to make them turn out this way? what is it about our society that excuses this behaviour?

i'm truly baffled. it makes me sad. some days i feel a little bit guilty that i have levi. i have someone who will never do any of those awful things to me, who will never treat me poorly. i don't deserve him, but he's in my life just the same. i just want the same for all the women in my life, and i want the men in my life to live up to the high standards that we, women, should have set for them. ugh.

ummm....yeah

so in the post below, i sound all calm and patient about not being able to move IMMEDIATELY, but now that i am sitting here listening to my jerkface, inconsiderate, low-life, LOUD neighbors drop pile after pile of wood a story up into the dumpster below, my serenity has left me.

I HATE IT HERE.

hmmmmph

ugh. today has been a roller coaster. i woke up in a fantastic mood. levi and i had some good talking time before he had to go to work. after he left, i got a bunch of stuff done, went grocery shopping, did a ton of laundry, prepared dinner for tonight, hung out with my sister, took some stuff to the tailor's. i was on top of things, taking care of stuff, making things happen, in a good mood.

then my sister and i get in a huge fight. yuck. i hate that. so i go back home to long beach.

on my way home, we resolve our fight. okay. everything's cool.

NOOOOO it's not. i park and walk to my building with two huge garbage bags filled with laundry digging into my shoulder, my laptop under one arm, my 9 pound purse on the other shoulder, a paper grocery bag filled with glass products, and a big, giant tupperware bowl filled with tonight's dinner. i'm precariously waddling up to the front of the building only to find that

I AM LOCKED OUT.

i use my foot to bang on the door for the idiotic apartment manager, WHO NEVER DOES ANYTHING, to come open it for me. his girlfriend comes out and yells at me for knocking on the door like that after i ask her if they're ever going to fix it. it's been broken for over a month, and we've been asking for an extra key that entire time. and get this - she says to me, "you better chill out, home girl." who talks like this??? why do i have to live in the ghetto??

ummmm HELLO, i'm obviously a little bit frustrated here!! my arms and shoulders are full of heavy things, and you're not doing your job! i'm not going to smile sweetly at you and thank you for opening the broken door for me under these circumstances!

sheesh. what is the point of having an on-site manager if they NEVER DO ANY WORK???? seriously, this building is falling apart. this guy doesn't even vacuum!! we've had a big pile of dried up leaves under one of the windows in the hall for two weeks now. it's just sitting there.

so now i feel all flustered, and my adrenaline is pretty much as high as it can get. i'm alternating between wanting to cry and wanting to scream. i hate stuff like this. i HATE getting into fights with people. and i HATE not being able to control my temper.

but i'm frustrated, and i'm sick of people not doing what they're supposed to be doing. i'm sick of just having to grin and bear it and keep my mouth shut every day. we live over an alley where there are always homeless people rummaging through the garbage at all hours of the night. we've had noisy construction waking us up since we moved in in august. our neighbors are scary, insane, LOUD MOUTH, low life people. seriously, most of them are on parole for some reason or another. one of them is always talking to spiders and herself directly under our window between the hours of 7:00 and 9:00 in the morning. another stands directly across from our window and screams down to her mother (apparently she lives in another apt. downstairs?) asking things like "hey mom! do you wanna come up and eat pork chops and rice-a-roni?" or "hey mom! did you tape soaps?"

grrrrrr. i want to live in a house with no apartment manager surrounded by normal, non-scary people. today is one of those days where i really really resent being poor.

Angry and frustrated health care rant.

What the hell is WRONG with healthcare in this country??? I know I'm not the first person to ask this question, but it's on my mind a lot lately. I went to the local Planned Parenthood (oh what a delight!) yesterday to get my annual exam and birth control, and they treated me like crap, like a street urchin. I actually left because I couldn't possibly imagine feeling that angry and uncomfortable and allowing one of their nurses (a NURSE, not a doctor. I know nurses have training too, but I would like a doctor, with a medical license, to look at me.) to examine me. I understand that those kind of places have all kinds of girls and women walking in, and I understand that working there would get some people kind of jaded and even a little judgmental. But if that's the kind of person you are, then QUIT. There are plenty of unemployed people in LA County who would joyfully do your job and provide quality service and care to people who cannot afford healthcare. I don't appreciate being treated like I don't matter and like I am some sort of low-life just because I happen to not have a job right now and am struggling financially. I probably have a hell of a lot more class than the bitter b*tches who work there. That's not really fair to call them that. I know not all of them are like that, but I'm mad. And another thing, what is the point of making an appointment if I have to wait TWO hours to be seen?? TWO HOURS. In a overheated, tiny, packed room. With not even a single magazine!! It's depressing. And, on top of that, I can't go to Planned Parenthood or a clinic for all of my healthcare needs. Free health care only seems to be attainable in clinics if you need emergency care or if you're looking to get birth control and an annual pap.

So today, I was online looking up health insurance plans for me and my boyfriend, just to know what we're in store for when more money starts, hopefully, coming in and we can afford some coverage. HOLY CRAP! You pay almost $300 a month and then you have to pay a deductible and then you have to pay a CO-PAY and sometimes 30% "co-insurance." What?!?! Why am I paying monthly? Where is that money going? If we're paying almost $300 a month, then why do we have to spend all this other money too? There is something severely wrong with our system.

So THEN, I looked up Medi-Cal. I mean I seriously cannot afford health insurance. I don't foresee a time in the near future when we'll have that kind of money, so there's gotta be some kind of option for us, right?? An option between paying thousands of dollars to take care of our bodies and paying nothing to be treated like crap and given sub-standard care (trust me from experience - I have been misdiagnosed AND manhandled in clinics: don't worry; I reported him). Nope. No Medi-Cal either. I don't have a baby. I'm not blind or disabled. I'm not a refugee. And I'm not pregnant. So apparently, MY body doesn't need to be taken care of. 

What am I supposed to do? What is Levi supposed to do? I have terrible vision and can't use glasses. I have to wear contacts because of my neck. Levi has scoliosis and works 40 hours a week on his feet. His back ALWAYS hurts. Do you think the clinic is going to take care of our problems? Nope. Do you think Levi even has time to wait two hours in a clinic if he needs to see a doctor? Nope. 

It just feels wrong. It seems like there should be some sort of option for us besides never going to the doctor. It seems like going to a clean, legitimate doctor's office, without having to wait two hours, to have a sore throat checked out or an eye infection treated shouldn't be a LUXURY. 

I don't know. Maybe we should just move to England or Canada, where the government values the health of their people. The United States is supposed to be a country where ANYONE can make it. Rags to riches and all that. How can you go from rags to riches if you don't even have your health to support you? How is anyone supposed to get ahead in this place? It just doesn't seem possible in a system that doesn't value all of its citizens.