09 January, 2010

update


i'm feeling a little bit better right now than i was last week when i wrote that post.

since i haven't really held back on this blog, i've decided to be really honest with you guys now. i still don't know how often i'll be on here, but i know i can't give it up entirely.

if you follow me on twitter, you already know a little bit about what's going on.

over the last couple months, i've been having a really tough time. i should say an extra tough time because, honestly, life has always been really, really difficult for me. just getting through the days is really difficult for me - keeping a job, interacting with people, controlling my temper, etc, etc, etc. there are no small problems for me, only big ones.

last week, it all came to a boiling point, and i had a mental breakdown.

the last couple months leading up to this have been bad. i've been getting more and more introverted (which is odd because i was always a really social, lively person). i've been afraid to leave the house, avoiding social situations, and making enemies, not friends. i have had a lot of anger...i should really say rage. that's a more appropriate description. and i have been SO stressed. stressed by anything and everything. panicked. paranoid. nervous. anxious. agitated. miserable.

i feel like God has been pushing me to this breaking point, putting me in situations that were way too much for me to handle - breaking me down bit by bit, piece by piece, feeling by feeling, until a shell of a person was left.

but there is always hope. and that's where my strength lies. i have never been through a bad situation and come out of it hopeless. i almost lost hope this time. i came really close. but i didn't. it's still there.

so.

i went to see a psychiatrist last week. and as it turns out, this is not my fault. i'm not a bad person who just can't get her act together. i'm a person who is sick. the part of my brain that is responsible for regulating moods doesn't really work. my brain doesn't know which mood to send out in which situation, and it doesn't know the appropriate intensity to send out either. so i've just been all over the place. in a word, i've been crazy. and the longer this has gone, the more damaged my nerve cells have become - so the problem has gotten worse and harder to maintain and hide.

he prescribed me two medications, and i'm already starting to feel a little better. for the first time in my life, i have felt peace. usually, i have about 20 thoughts going through my head at a time, fragments of thoughts, conflicting thoughts, crazy, consuming, tormenting thoughts. about an hour after i took my first pill, i sat still for a moment, and my brain wasn't racing. i think i only had one thought, maybe two, maybe none, but certainly not 20. and i didn't feel panicked or paranoid. i didn't feel anxious. i felt calm. it was so weird. it was so foreign. it was so exciting!

obviously, i'm not cured, and, obviously, my medication hasn't kicked in fully yet. but i've had a glimpse of what's to come. and i am on the road to getting better. i've taken the first big, giant step - the biggest step i've ever taken in my life.

next week, i'm going to start counseling. i'll probably stay in counseling for the rest of my life. and i couldn't be more pleased with that decision. it means that i've let go of the idea of trying to "fix" myself. i've let go of all the control. God's going to have to take it from here.

and it feels so fucking good.



***if anyone out there is broke and uninsured, here's an amazing resource for you - NeedyMeds - this is how i am going to be getting my (insanely expensive) medication. you just search by the generic or brand name of your medication, and it will show you programs that can help with the cost.***

72 comments:

  1. Wow Jasmine, good for you for posting this. For the first part of it, it was like I was reading my own thoughts. I've been going through some crazy emotions lately. I was even thinking of maybe seeing a therapist. I don't know, I hate the feeling I have everyday. When I go to a physical on the 2nd I am going to talk to my dr about it. I don't really want to be on medication for that though. I don't know. Hope you are feeling better soon. It's so strange. There are a lot of people that have been depressed lately. There must be something in the air but I have been feeling like this for years.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thank goodness! I'm so glad you're feeling better Jasmine! That last post made me very very sad. Please keep posting. I promise I'll keep reading!

    ReplyDelete
  3. That's so awesome!!! I'm a therapist and a girl in regular therapy. The more I learn about the brain, psychology, and myself the more I understand that most of us have chemical irregularities. In short, we're all a little bit crazy (I have clinical OCD which is very hard to deal with at times). Getting emotional/mental check-ups are just as important as physical check-ups, but unfortunately, our society doesn't place much value on the emotional side of things. So thank you for your bravery to find the answer and for sharing it with all of us readers! I really hope your courage will inspire others who are struggling too. Because you are exactly right, it's not your fault. Thanks!

    ReplyDelete
  4. i'm so proud of you. you are very strong and courageous for being vulnerable, facing your struggles, and inviting others to do the same.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Glad to hear you're taking steps towards becoming mentally/emotionally healthier. Good luck the rest of the way! :)

    ReplyDelete
  6. thanks for being so completely honest..

    i'm glad you are feeling better already! I think it's great that you are facing your problems straight on like this.

    I hope for nothing but the best for you!

    ReplyDelete
  7. You should read "A new Earth" I think it is a great boo.

    I am sending you positive thoughts. Please be okay :)

    ReplyDelete
  8. My thoughts and heart are with you darling! You're such an inspiration and so brave!!
    xxxx

    ReplyDelete
  9. I will be praying for you. I am having a hard time right now in my life too. Your blog makes me feel better to see that you are always so hopeful so I hope you continue blogging.

    ReplyDelete
  10. i'm grateful that you're getting to where you feel peace <3

    ReplyDelete
  11. Congratulations on getting help. You're right - it's not your fault. Looking forward to reading through your recovery :) Good luck x

    ReplyDelete
  12. When I started counseling I went because I was worried about my uncontrolable rage. And when I started taking lexapro to help me with my anxiety it was life changing.

    Good luck with everything. I know it can be a hard road but the results are worth it in the end.

    ReplyDelete
  13. jasi, this is wonderful :)

    i hope you know you're in our hearts and prayers.

    good luck, girl!

    ReplyDelete
  14. Even though this is a rough time, I have to say that I am happy and proud of you. I have been right where you are and understand. Awhile ago I was diagnosed with general anxiety disorder as well as depression. I have been in counseling since I was 16 and I wouldn't change that. I think that everyone should see a counselor at least some point in their life. I am quite hopeful and excited to see where your journey goes because God is going to heal and make you who He wants you to be. He has a plan and that is awesome! Even though the healing process hurts, there is hope through it all. Take heart sweet Jasmine that things will only get better.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Oh Jasmine, I'm so sorry. You should never have to go through something like that alone. I bet as you start getting comments you will see that so many people have been there. I got to my breaking point and thought there was no way I could go on with life at one point. Counseling helped me so much. I've learned to control my mind, which is the one thing I never thought was possible. Best of luck on your journey. Everything will get better, I promise.

    ReplyDelete
  16. I'm so glad you are on the road to feeling better! :)

    ReplyDelete
  17. I have a parent who has gone ( going!? - as im aware it never really goes) through the same thing. Although there have been bad times there is most definatly light at the end of the tunnel!
    Turn to those who love you in times of need - Its what they are there for!

    Stay healthy Jasmine xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  18. i'm so glad you are feeling better. breakdowns are no fun. looking forward to more blogs. love you!

    ReplyDelete
  19. I'm sorry that you've been going through a hard time. I know how awful depression and anxiety feels firsthand, and I wish more than anything that you didn't have to experience it. I commend you for taking the initiative and going to see a psychiatrist. I'm so proud of you and so happy that you're getting back on track :)

    ReplyDelete
  20. thank you so, SO much for sharing this and being honest about your struggles. i loved your blog before & thought you were super cool and now i want to come back to get more & more & more. :)

    congratulations on seeking what the cause was and actually finding out why you've been feeling like this. i can totally relate & have convinced myself that it's my fault & i'm just a really bad person. of course i know it's not true but when you tell yourself that enough times, well .. you know. you start believing it.

    i've struggled with mental issues my whole life. i went through a really bad period in my teens where i never left the house, i was very unhealthy and very messed up. i have improved SO much over the years that i thought that part of my life was behind me. it was silly of me to think that the anxiety, anger, irritability, stress and uncertainty i almost always feel is caused solely by me and i've also decided that this year is when i actually go to a doctor, get diagnosed and go from there. lots more counseling too. i'm really ready to be in control of my own life and not let my head take over everything.

    i wish you all the best throughout this journey and again, thank you for being so honest and sharing with us. it motivates me more to know that people are feeling the same way as i am and are .. feeling relief.

    keep at it. you ROCK! :)

    ReplyDelete
  21. Hi Jasmine,


    I missed your last post and so when I read this I was suprised/shocked but then relieved that you are getting some answers and some help... There are a lot of people here in the blog world who are hear for you... as I am sure Levy, your family and friends are. You will find some peace, I just know it! I am sorry to see you leave your blog but I do understand and maybe when you want to come back to it, you will.. We will be here when you do.. Through this year, you have been amazing, so please know, even with the things you were going through inside, you blog has been a wonderful source of positive and upbeat energy! You are indeed a truly lovely young lady and I am hoping/praying that you will come out on top of all this and feel better inside. I can't imagine how hard this has been for you but I am glad that you were able to express it to everyone here..
    All my best to you, Jasmine and please know that I am here in support.. even though I live in France!
    If you ever need to talk, I'm here! : )
    Peace to you...
    Leesa

    ReplyDelete
  22. Good for you. And best of luck in your journey. I think you will do wonderfully, as not only are you realizing your limitations but you are also trusting God. Things will be good.

    ReplyDelete
  23. Jasmine, thanks for sharing this. Girl, as I'm sure you've been told, you are not alone. We've all got a little bit of crazy in us (some of us more than others, Lord knows myself is included...) and I think it helps so very much to hear about the small victories from those whom we respect and adore. And I know I don't know you, but I have been a shy follower of yours for a while and just wanted you to know that I think you are one amazing lady whom I have found myself (on more than one occasion) hoping to become more like one day. And today, well, I thought you should know that.
    Here's to Hope, eh?

    ReplyDelete
  24. good for you for getting help. i know exactly how you feel. i've been goin in and out of depressions for years. i'll feel good for about a year and then i'll go through 8 or ten months of feeling crapppy, thats why i've been taking a break from my blog. i hope you start to feel better soon, it's good to know your not alone with your feelings :)

    ReplyDelete
  25. Jasmine, I'm so glad that you've been able to find the cause of what's been making things so difficult for you. I'm so happy you're feeling better already! I have some of the same symptoms you've spoken about, but never have sought help. I think you've just inspired me to go and get evaluated to see if there is something behind all those feelings.
    Take care, glad you've decided to come back!! :)
    xoxo,
    CAPow!

    ReplyDelete
  26. so glad you are taking care of yourself.

    ReplyDelete
  27. I'm so happy to hear that. And the f word is SO appropriately placed in this one! :-)

    I was wondering the other day how things were going for you. It makes me smile to know you're on the mend, so to speak.

    ReplyDelete
  28. I'm glad that you are starting to feel better, and that you were able to visit a doctor. About a year or so ago I was diagnosed with depression, but had to go off medicine once I lost my job/health insurance... there are days that I just don't know how to cope with everything going on in my life. I hope that counseling works out for you, it's something that I've been wanting to do. I think talking to an arbitrary outsider is a good way to put everything in perspective.

    ReplyDelete
  29. thank you for sharing this, i understand what you're going through, i really do, because i have similar problems myself. i take several medications and have therapy. its a struggle but we do come out the other end a better person.

    ReplyDelete
  30. I'm SO excited for you!!!! Congratulations on being brave enough to explore your options! LOVET! Love you! Let's hang sometime soon! :)

    ReplyDelete
  31. Jasmine, thank you for having the courage to share your journey with us. I started seeing a therapist about 4 or 5 months ago and it's been amazing. I hope you're experience is one of growth, learning and ultimately, PEACE. You're in my thoughts and my prayers. XOXO

    ReplyDelete
  32. I'm so glad you're not gone for good -- and really happy that you've sought out some help. I think it's so brave & wonderful to reach out in times like this & I know you'll be alright!
    Lots of love!
    Desiree.

    ReplyDelete
  33. It makes me so happy that you're back!

    I hate to hear about your troubles, because I wish you had absolutely none at all. I've been following you for a few months now (creepy sounding, huh?) and you seem like the kind of great person that shitty things happen to.

    Good luck with your scary problems. Remember that you'll always have people backing you up and worrying about you a little,
    but also remember that you are strong enough to fight your demons all by yourself.

    love,rudi
    www.yousmellofapples.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  34. I, too, went through this about 6 years ago (and have been happily medicated every since!). You've done just the right thing, and you should feel very proud about taking the actions you have. Talk therapy is also tremendously helpful along with the meds...Good luck!

    ReplyDelete
  35. So happy that you are helping yourself. Some don't understand the need to take a pill everyday, but if they had any idea how we feel inside they wouldn't question it. Here's to a Happy 2010 and more!

    ReplyDelete
  36. I think it's really brave of you to share all of this, and I admire you for it. I am glad you are feeling better - it sounds like you are doing the right thing. Just know that everyone here in the blogosphere supports you and is thinking of you!!! :)

    ReplyDelete
  37. I'm so glad you're figuring things out, and happy that you haven't stopped blogging forever. i love that you're being so honest on here, because i'm sure i wasn't the only one who was praying for you to feel better! good luck!

    ReplyDelete
  38. sooo proud of you!(: xooxoxoxo

    ReplyDelete
  39. Jasmine, I got tears in my eyes reading your post. I have been a bad blogger this Christmas period and only just checked back in again. I am so sorry to hear about your struggles but so happy to hear that you are doing something positive about it all. That takes a lot of strength and courage and I am really proud of you. AND to write about it on here just shows what an amazing sharing person you really are :) xxxx

    ReplyDelete
  40. thank you for sharing this, and i'm so glad to hear you are starting to feel better - and not leaving your blog forever - i'd miss it so!
    hugs and take care :)

    ReplyDelete
  41. Hi Jasmine!!
    As many others here, I've been a shy follower of your blog for months!!
    I just wanted to tell you that this decision of seeking help is the most important step you could take to get better!!
    You should be very proud of yourself for that!
    I wish you the best!

    ReplyDelete
  42. Jasmine!
    I am so hopeful for you! Keep the faith. It will all be okay.
    sending love your way!

    ReplyDelete
  43. Vulnerability is sometimes beautiful, sometimes gritty. But always courageous. And sometimes, it's all we have.

    ReplyDelete
  44. Hello Ms. Jasmine.

    My boyfriend & I are followers of your blog, and love your zest!

    All of us readers love a good, honest read...that's what your blog is all about!

    As you can see, many of us can empathize with you. Deep breaths are always helpful, and moments when you can sit in peace...even if it's for only one minute.
    Remember, that as long as you can take a deep breath, you can make it...and one step at a time is the best we all can do.

    I love all of your posts. Let's hope this year is a great one for us all.

    ~elisa

    ReplyDelete
  45. So glad that you are doing better...and that have gotten some help. You would be surprised at how many of us have been exactly where you are. Hang in there...take your meds (even when you begin to feel a lot better!!!)and see your therapist....I'm excited for you and all that is ahead for you! Take care and feel free to share the ups and the downs!

    ReplyDelete
  46. I know making that first step to getting help - heck, just admitting you need help- can be the hardest. And I'm so proud of you for doing that. I know life is going to get better for you, and if you need anything (even cupcake delivery!), I'm available.

    ReplyDelete
  47. You are AMAZING! You need to hear that more often. Amazing that you have the courage to post this. And honesty and loyalty especially to your fellow bloggers. I doubt I would have the guts to do so. This is what I love about you. You continue to inspire many even when you don't even know it. Remember that you are not alone. You are blessed with so many people who are willing to support you.

    ReplyDelete
  48. I'm so happy you have found a way to conquer this. You deserve to be happy, and healthy and I'm so glad you shared with us. I wish you only the best, girlie!
    Remember that you must take care of yourself first, but we'll all be happy to hear from you whenever you're willing to share!

    ReplyDelete
  49. Dearest Jasmine
    blessings to you on this journey you have started
    I want you to know that God would never push you into places that we not safe for you....God loves every piece of you exactly the way you are...there is no fixing to be had, just living , loving and accepting who you are. God will take this dark time and turn I into something beautiful, I know this to be the truth.
    Love and Light
    from Canada

    ReplyDelete
  50. a song for you:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pSYLzbjT6Cg

    ReplyDelete
  51. You have just described me and the struggles I have had throughout my life. I am also on two prescriptions, and they have worked wonders for me. I don't get as irritated or mad over little things. Things are not perfect, but they are much better. I'm so glad you were able to get the help you needed. If you ever need someone to talk to, I am here.

    xoxo

    p.s. I am so glad you are back!

    ReplyDelete
  52. Dear Jasmine,
    I don't leave comments often - I'm more of a read and go girl, because most of the time with these blogs, I can never tell who reads the comments and who doesn't. I have a similar story to yours - although it involves domestic violence, among other things - having to do with my mooods. I too discovered through counseling that I have a messed up brain and it's not my fault!!! I have been on and off of meds for the last ten years, but I finally started taking them regularly about four months ago. It's the first time I ever took them when I wasn't in crisis. It has changed my life. I am so glad you have made this discovery about yourself. Counseling is definitely the next step and it will help infinitely. Sometimes, it just takes some of us a little bit longer to grow into ourselves. Have faith. Sending you much love.

    Sincerely,
    Theresa B.

    ReplyDelete
  53. i am so glad to hear that you are getting the help that you need and deserve. i know that everything will get better for you. it is admirable that you are taking these steps to help yourself.

    ReplyDelete
  54. Congratulations on taking action, that is usually the hardest part. Also thanks for posting about the website that will help pay for medication if needed.

    ReplyDelete
  55. Thinking of you Jasiluuuuuu.
    xx

    ReplyDelete
  56. Oh i am so glad to hear that you are taking good care of yourself, hold in there lovely lady and let the boy of yours cheer you up with kisses!

    ReplyDelete
  57. I am so happy that you are okay and improving. Have you read Eat Pray Love? The main character went through something similar.

    ReplyDelete
  58. I'm mostly a lurker. . . but I just want to say hand in there. It DOES get better. Hugs and Kisses!

    ReplyDelete
  59. Well, this is the first time I've ever been here. Your profile says, "Do say hello if you stop by! :)" so I am saying hello! :)

    ReplyDelete
  60. jasmine: thanks. great post. I too, feel crazy sometimes, and have been so afraid of investigating meds because i thought it would be copping out. I feel stupid for ever feeling that way. i still haven't gotten help, but i'm on the road to getting it. thanks for sharing.

    ReplyDelete
  61. This is a brave post. Thank you for sharing, and I'm sure it will touch more people than you know!

    ReplyDelete
  62. you're amazing. and so brave for talking about this. i'm so glad that you're getting the help you need.

    love, love, love to you,
    meg

    ReplyDelete
  63. you're awesome. thankyou for sharing and for getting the help you deserve.

    ReplyDelete
  64. jas i really wish i knew what to say. first, i guess thats how tricky blog world and sitting behind a computer can be, because honestly, everytime i come here i am filled with joy. your posts never cease to make me smile or just sigh and say aw. and honestly, now that you opened your heart to us, i think it speaks even more. that even through your tough time you really did touch lives. i think we all have our things we need to work through, and while there may be someone reading your post who cant vocalize exactly what you said, ims ure its amazing for them to read it and know they are not alone. which you aren't. my mom has gone through the same thing in the last few years, and its hard. especially with some things that have ahppened in the last few months, its really hard. but the most important thing is she keeps her head up which even without "knowing you" i know you will do that. keep smiling beautiful:) i know you'll be ok. and im only an email away if you ever need to talk/vent/be cranky to. trust me im sure i can keep up and give you a run for your money;) <3 here's a huge hug!!

    ReplyDelete
  65. U R BRAVE!!! and incrediably beautiful in your honesty. Thankyou for giving me hope and reaching out with your story half way round the world.Kepp those positive vibes growing!!!

    ReplyDelete
  66. i'm so glad that you got help and that you're already seeing the effects. i hope everything starts to get a little smoother for you!

    ReplyDelete
  67. me you, jasmine! hope you are happy :)

    ReplyDelete
  68. I just read your story and your words resonated with me. I was in your place at one time 6 years ago or maybe my whole life before then. I just want to tell you that it is not God. The bible says that the devil prowls around like a roaring like waiting to steal, kill and destroy. That's what he wants to do to all of us and wants us to think that it is God doing it. I had a mental breakdown 6 years ago and had to take a 3 month leave of absence from my work. I could barley get out of bed. I went to see a psychiatrist and he gave me medication and sent me to a phsycologist for counseling. It was good, the medicine really helped for that time that I needed it, but what helped the most was writing in a journal. I wrote prayers and letters to God, I wrote day and night, mostly the middle of the night when I would wake up and couldn't sleep because I felt like I was being tormented by demons. I cried out to God in my writing and my prayers. I was angry, depressed, anxious, paranoid, weepy, scared and thankful and every other kind of emotion you could think of. I would go back and read what I wrote often and things began to get better. One day I knew I couldn't be on the medication any longer so I stopped taking it and then one day I told God I was ready to be healed. I had others pray for me but I barely heard what they were saying, because I was talking to God myself. I told him I knew he could heal me and I was ready to be healed and ready to take him out of the box that I had put him in, thinking that he was not as big as I thought he was and that I knew he was the only one who could truly heal me since he was the one who created me. I want to tell you that I was totally healed that day. I have been never gone back to that depressed and anxious and out of control state. I had my habits of going into this depressed state when things got bad, but I knew I was healed when every time I tried to go there it just didn't happen. I thanked God everytime this didn't work for healing me and being true to his word and thank him still today, often. It will get better. Don't let the devil think he has you, because he doesn't and don't let him take control. Your God, your Creator loves you so much, that's why he created you. His desire and heart is for you and not against you. He desires to have you close, to talk to him and to let him take care of you. I pray for your complete healing from this mental disease and an immediate release from bondage of the this enemy. Blessings to you dear Jasmine.

    ReplyDelete
  69. Hi, I have read your blog for a while and love it! Thanks for being so real. I have been where you are (still am somedays) and so far have only shared with the people closest to me. Thank you for sharing, its nice to know I'm not alone.

    ReplyDelete
  70. Thank you for being so honest in this blog world where must only choose to talk about the happy, happy cheery stuff. Many people can relate with you, and from your more current entries it seems as though you're feeling much better. keep strong <3

    ReplyDelete
  71. I wish you the very, very best in your journey. This is never easy. Take it a day at a time and believe that you definitely CAN do this. So proud of you for taking this step.

    Sending strength and best wishes.

    ReplyDelete
  72. i am where you are and i always refused help and meds and well, now they are my friends. my brain is a funny little booger too. thank you for sharing this and best of luck.

    ReplyDelete

Thanks for commenting! Comment moderation is on so if you don't see your comment... that's why! :)

P.S. If you have a question, check back for a response in the comment field. Or you can click "subscribe by email" in the comments section for notification of new comments on this thread.

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...