It's been about a week since my miscarriage started, and I just wanted to post a little update on how we're doing.
First of all, I want to say thank you from the bottom of my heart for all the love and prayers everyone has sent my way - comments, emails, tweets, Facebook messages, text messages, phone calls, care packages at my front door. Thank you so much. You'll never know how much it all meant to me and Levi. It has helped so much. In ways that I didn't know it could. As soon as I pressed "publish" on my post, I felt immediate relief. There's something about getting things off my chest that helps me. Hearing stories from those of you who have gone through the same thing helped a lot too. There's something really isolating and almost shameful about a miscarriage. It made me feel inadequate as a woman. I know I'm not, but that's still how I felt.
Once the miscarriage was completely over, I started to feel a little bit better. I felt like I was carrying death around inside of me, and it really weighed heavily on my heart. I just wanted to get the whole thing over with. I feel really fortunate that I was able to miscarry naturally. I don't think I could have handled surgery since I really wasn't fit to be around people all week. I'm still not quite there. I wish I could wear a little sign around my neck telling people not to mind me because I'm grieving. That's one of the benefits of older social customs like wearing all black while in mourning... southern California doesn't really observe many social customs.
The thing that offered me the most comfort was how many people told me I would see my baby in heaven. It made me feel better to know that so many people believed my baby's very short life still counted, that she still had a soul and God still acknowledged her. One of the first things I pictured after this realization was Levi's mom holding our baby and loving her in heaven. She's the first grandchild Julee gets to meet. There's something really sweet and comforting about that.
Levi and I decided to name our baby. From the second we found out I was pregnant, we were both convinced our baby was a girl, so we named her Poppy.
(image by i.Anton on Flickr)
We're going to keep the little bunny we bought for her so that we have a physical reminder of our little Poppy.
Again, thank you so much for all your support during this difficult time. I know this post was mostly rambling, but that's about all I'm good for right now. I'm also really good for watching The Big Bang Theory, eating horrible food, and not washing my hair. ;) We're starting to reestablish a routine, and I'm starting to heal. I'll have a few good hours, then it will all come back and smack me in the face. I'm sure it will be like this for awhile. I feel so fortunate to go through this all with Levi by my side. His first response when I told him we were losing our baby was to lay down and weep with me - heavy, heart-wrenching sobs. It was awful and horrible and painful, but this is what going through life together is all about. This has brought us even closer together, and I love him more now than I ever have before. As Levi told me this week, "I'd rather lose a baby with [him] than have one with anyone else."
God is giving me hope that our next pregnancy will result in a healthy, happy, perfect little baby, and that's what I'm going to hold onto right now.