25 January, 2012

My Miscarriage


I had a miscarriage this week. And it was devastating. We hadn't even known I was pregnant for very long, but it still tore both our hearts apart. I can't help but feel that I did something wrong, that I caused this to happen. I can't help but feel that it isn't fair. I can't help but feel that nothing good can ever happen to me without something horrible happening first. And this was truly horrible. To go from total joy to total despair is an absolute nightmare. I couldn't even believe I was pregnant in the first place, then to have it ripped away from me... I don't even know what to say. Every time I felt a cramp and every time I saw the blood were fresh, constant reminders that my body was taking my baby away from me.

And now I'm really scared to get pregnant again. I'm scared that I'll have to live this nightmare again. I'm angry that my joy will be tainted next time because I know what can happen. I know what this loss feels like.

The day Levi and I found out I was pregnant, we went shopping and bought a little stuffed bunny for our baby. I keep picking up the little bunny and rubbing it against my face, holding it to my chest. My heart is broken, and I don't know what to do. I feel empty and hollow and overwhelmed by grief. I know that it will get better, but right now, it's awful, and I'm just really really sad.


76 comments:

  1. I am so sorry. This brought me to tears. You will be in my prayers tonight.

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  2. Praying for you now as I read this. So sorry for your loss!

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  3. Long time reader, rare commenter here, but I just had to comment.

    I'm really really sorry. You're in my thoughts. <3

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  4. Oh Jasmine I don't even know you, nor am I particularly religious but I am praying for you. I am sorry you're going through this immeasurable pain, my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

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  5. Praying, praying, praying. I'm so sorry for your loss Jasmine.

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  6. When you said 'my body was taking my baby away from me' my heart broke. Remember that your precious baby will be waiting for you in Heaven. He/She was yours from the moment they were concieved and God has them safely alongside him to wait until you're reunited.

    I can't imagine your pain. Praying. xx

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  7. I read all the time, but I don't think I've commented. I'm so sorry. I went through this last week, I miscarried at almost 6 weeks. I echo everything you said and I couldn't have said it better myself. Again, I am SO sorry! I'm here for you if you need to talk to someone who is right there with you.

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  8. Jasmine, I'm so sorry to hear this. I know it's not what you want to hear right now, but it will happen for you when the time is right and it is meant to be. And any obstacles you have to overcome to get there, will make it that much sweeter. You and Levi are in my thoughts. <3

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  9. I've had two. Both equally as devastating although during two completely different points of my life. You are not alone...

    It was never truly reassuring whenever someone said "it happens all the time" because I felt like that missed the point...which was that losing your own child feels like it should happen NEVER.

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  10. Arohanui (lots of love) to both you and Levi. My sister just went through the same thing and I saw how much it tore her apart. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

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  11. Such an honest account of what it's like. You're an excellent writer, even amidst your pain. Praying for you & Levi. You will be awesome parents.

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  12. how brave of you to share this. my prayers are with you and your husband tonight. i know there is probably little to nothing that can bring you comfort, but just rest in knowing that your sweet baby is with Jesus now.

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  13. Jasmine,

    I'm so sorry for your loss. There aren't really words I can say to be comforting, but take comfort in the fact that you are a brave young woman. Brave enough to tell your story. Your honesty is heard all the way in Boston, and I admire your strength. Keep your chin up, and know that you and Levi are in our thoughts.

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  14. oh jasmine I am so sorry. I don't even know what to say... so I will be thinking/praying for the two of you.

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  15. i don't have any words that will make your pain go away, or even make it hurt any less. i just simply want to say that i'm praying for you guys. this much i know is true: God has a plan for you and your family. i believe that with all of my heart. may His peace that passes ALL understanding be entirely yours, and may His comforting arms hold you close.

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  17. For He will command His angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways. On their hands they will bear you up, lest you strike your foot against a stone. (Psalm 91.11-12)

    I feel like I'm the last person that should be commenting, but know that I am praying and that He has His angels surrounding you <3

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  18. My heart is breaking for you both. You're a beautiful person, and your spirit shines through this blog as you take us on your journey. You'll be a wonderful mother one day. I'll be praying for you as you heal. <3

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  19. You never truly know how someone else feels until you go through it yourself... This post brought me to tears cause I can feel your pain. Just know that your little one is in the Lords arms and being used for his glory. You will see him or her again one day in heaven! :) We might not understand why things happen but just know that God is good, and has our best interest at heart. Praying for you and Levi <3

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  20. Nothing seems right to say... not I'm sorry, because I know this sucks at the moment, but God wants to make everything beautiful in His time. I can't say I understand what you are feeling, but my heart and prayers go out to you and Levi. I am mourning with you knowing how often I think God's goodness is only lavished on others and not me, yet the Lord's love for you surpasses all understanding and no height no depth nor even yourself can separate you from it.

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  21. I'm so sorry. I wish you a lot of strength.

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  22. Long time lurker but new commenter. This is so heartbreaking, I am so sorry. Take some hope from the fact a friend of mine has a miscarriage then went on to have 2 happy healthy babies. Hugs.

    Clare

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  24. Oh Jasmine, you are so incredibly brave to blog about this experience. When I went through a missed-miscarriage (and then operation) at 10 weeks only six weeks ago I felt so lost and devastated but trust me, in time you will recover from this and one day go on to be the most incredible mother. I know this is not what you want to hear, but the doctors told me that most women go on to have perfect babies after these trying and harrowing experiences. Wishing you all the very best for recovery and to let you know that you are not alone, not in the slightest, and have a whole world of women looking out and supporting you through this. Kat.

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  25. You ARE getting a baby one day...I promise!!! My mum had the same sad experience...she just felt lost and sad all the time at this point of her life, she told me...and then one year later...she got ME!!! I think God will send you a baby...see...God isn't crazy that he won't let you two loveley people have the chance to raise a child in this beautiful home full of love!!!
    Lots of love and hugs for your and your husband!!!

    Gisela
    xoxox

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  26. I'm so sorry for your loss. Praying for you guys.
    xox

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  27. I am so sorry to hear about your loss :(

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  28. Jasmine, i'm so sorry to hear this! i had a miscarriage at 12 weeks last year & i was devastated! i also felt that i didn't want to go through this again. and it took me a while before we decided to try again. i am now 18 weeks pregnant and i'm still scared of every little twitch or pain that i have but luckily so far baby is healthy. what made me feel beter was the support of my husband and my family. i will pray & think of you & Levi! xx

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  29. I'm a longtime reader who rarely comments but I had to tell you how sorry I am for your loss. Many of my friends have had miscarriages and all of them have gotten pregnant again and had beautiful healthy babies. So, take your time to grieve but take heart in knowing that if you do get pregnant again that you might have anxiety about losing the baby but that doesn't mean that you will. I'm getting ahead here though, presently I wish your body, head, and heart swift healing.
    You may want to have a ceremony where you bury the bunny in honor of your sweet loss.

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  30. Try to remember it's nothing you did wrong - it's just one of those very unfortunate things that sometimes happen. Don't be afraid to get pregnant again either - so many women have full-term pregnancies after a miscarriage. It doesn't change the fact that you're hurting right now, so be kind to yourself and each other and know that it was nothing you did wrong - nature isn't always kind, but everything happens for a reason - even the bad things.

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  31. Jasmine, I'm so sorry for your loss... just remember: you, Levi, and your love for one another are capable of such wonderful miracles.

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  32. just want to tell you (again) that i love you.

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  33. just want to tell you (again) that i love you.

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  34. I don't know what to say. I am so sorry this happened. I can't even imagine what you and Levi must be going through. Please know that you have lots of people praying for you and here to support you both. I will keep you in my prayers. Take care and lean on each other for support.
    XOXO
    Kim

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  35. not sure if you follow http://candimandi.typepad.com/ but she recently experienced the same dreadful thing. I am so sorry : (

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  36. Hi Jasmine,
    I am so sorry to hear of your loss. Know that your strength comes through in this post, and each day will get a little easier. Take care, take it easy, and trust in your body.

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  37. I'm so so sorry. Praying for God's peace to be with you now. You'll be an amazing mother someday. :)

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  38. So sorry to hear this :(. My husband and I tried to get pregnant for 6 months and finally it has happened and every time I feel anything I get scared, I can't even imagine what you are going through. Take time to grieve and then I think you will be ready to try again.

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  39. I'm so, so, so sorry to hear this. I'm sending you the biggest virtual hug you can imagine.

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  40. I'm so sorry, my heart and prayers are with you guys. It'll happen one day.

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  41. Jasmine, I'm SO SORRY! my heart feels so sad right now. I don't know what to say or feel. I know you're going to be the most incredible mother someday soon, and you and Levi deserve all the happiness in the world. love you guys so much. xoxox

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  42. i can't even imagine what this kind of pain feels like jasmine. this brought tears to my eyes and pains to my chest. i am thinking of you and levi and sending you all the positive vibes i can muster up.

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  43. I am so sorry to hear and read about this. Just know I'm thinking about you and Levi (along with the rest of your fellow blog followers). Sending a big hug :)

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  44. I'm so sorry to hear this. Praying for you guys

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  45. There's no right thing to say, but I just want to say how brave you are for sharing about this. I hope it shows you that even if you feel so alone, you're not - people truly understand. Praying for your heart (and Levi's). As someone else said, be kind to yourselves and allow yourselves to grieve. So so sorry.

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  46. Prayers and love to all of you. I've been through this myself. I know it's rough but be tough and it'll get better.

    Know anyone in need of a new computer to step up their blogging game? Help a girl sell her Macbook Air when things are a little tough! Thanks!

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  47. I don't comment very much, but I've been a long time reader of your blog, and I want to say how sorry I am. You'll be in my thoughts. Just remember, after the darkness comes the light! <3

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  48. Oh, Jasmine. All I can offer are my thoughts and prayers for you and Levi during this terrible time.

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  49. Hi Jasmine. I'm a frequent blog reader, but an infrequent commenter. I just wanted to tell you that I am amazed and humbled and inspired by your honesty. I am so sorry that this happened. I've never been pregnant, and I don't presume to understand how you feel, but you have all my possible empathy in this situation.

    I've been reading Laura Ziesel's blog lately. You might enjoy it, too. Personally, I really love her posts on gender, but she has written very candidly and with such strength about her experience with miscarriage as well. http://www.lauraziesel.com/

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  50. Wow...I a so sorry. I actually am currently going through a miscarriage too...I was supposed to be 11 weeks but baby didn't have a heartbeat. I now have to have the surgery on Monday....it is devastating and I truly feel for you.

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  51. my heart hurts for you.

    this sucks so bad and it sucks there is nothing to say that will make it better...only time will.

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  52. Thinking and praying for you and Levi, Jasmine. I am so sorry that you had to experience this. I wish that there was something more I could do for you. You both are truly amazing people and it is just rotten that bad things have to happen to such amazing people. For that, I am truly sorry. Stay strong.

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  53. I am so sorry for both of you...it's truly the hardest thing, isn't it? But you can see by these comments that you and your husband are not alone...

    I realized a long time ago that our children choose us, not the other way around! You have a special Angel who has chosen you and Levi, and he or she is going to press on, without fear, until you are reunited. So let yourself hurt, cry with all your heart, hold eachother and let healing happen. It will get better sooner than you think. Above all, do not be afraid! Praying for you.

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  54. Oh Jasmine! This literally had me in tears. You two are just the nicest people and deserve the world... It simply breaks my heart.

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  55. Having a miscarriage is so very very hard, I had one two years ago and it was devastating. The pain will eventually start to lessen as more time passes and when you get pregnant again your joy will in no way be overshadowed by this miscarriage, even though it feels that way right now. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

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  56. My heart is so broken for you. I read your blog all of the time and this brought me to tears. Many thoughts and many prayers being sent your way! I'm so very sorry. You are so STRONG and BRAVE to write this post.
    ((((hugs))))

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  57. I'm so sorry to hear that. You are not alone. I had one right after Thanksgiving. It sucks. There's nothing good in it. Thinking of you and praying for you!

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  58. This post made me so incredibly sad, and my heart goes out to you. I am so sorry for your loss.

    I also have to say that it's not your fault, and you cannot blame yourself or your body. You did nothing wrong.

    Sending lots of prayers and good thoughts your way.

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  59. I am so sorry for your loss. I have been there. 4 years ago I lost my baby. I have been too scared until just recently to try again. I am still terrified, but I am finally ready to try again. My heart goes out to you, and time is the only thing that will heal your wound. Take as much time as you need and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

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  60. Correne and I love you and Levi. My heart sunk when I heard this happened to you too. Love and prayers to you. The Lord see's you and is still loving you even in rough times like this.

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  61. i cannot even imagine the loss you are feeling. i am so, so sorry. my thoughts and prayers are with you and levi.

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  62. I am so, so sorry to hear about this. My thoughts and prayers are with you and Levi. I know that this is devastating to experience and could be just as hard to blog about, but thank you for sharing it. Thank you for letting us attempt to share your grief, and hopefully help carry the burden, if only in some small way.

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  63. I'm so sorry!!! Please remember it's not your fault and you couldn't have done anything to stop it! First trimester m/c are so common and happen because of chromosomal abnormalities. You can and you will be able to get pregnant again and carry the baby until delivery!

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  65. Jasmine,
    I too read frequently but have never commented. I have a few thoughts I am hoping will bring you comfort.
    My husband lost his first child (with another woman) at full term... I can't even imagine that pain. We are now married for several years and expecting our first child- I'm 28 weeks. At 6 weeks, I experienced bleeding and everyone expected me to miscarry. The doc even pushed for a D & C, which I wasn't ready to decide on- didn't want to be the 'one' to end things. I prayed that if I miscarried, it would happen naturally- I think if it had been my choosing, I'd have felt even worse. So I hope that while you are experiencing grief, you do not blame yourself or your choices anymore... There are women who do everything right and lose a baby, and women who completely threaten their baby's health and still deliver healthy babies at full term. There is no rhyme or reason, please do not torture yourself. A woman I know keeps reminding me that God knows all of our days before we even begin. I'm telling you, the worry/concern doesn't stop the further along you go- even when you can feel the baby kicking and know it is alive, you still worry if it's been a while, and you nudge your belly in hopes he'll move. I don't know for sure, but my suspicion is that this is how all of motherhood is- the worry, the hope, the desire to make everything safe and good and sweet for that little one. So rest in this: you were and always will be that little one's mama, and God knew this would happen- he is comforting you, Levi, and your little one and you can rest in knowing that for that time, you were just what that baby needed. We don't know why we miscarry always, but perhaps heaven is the best place- as so often we miscarry because something is not right chromosomally, etc. And it will be in the back of your mind when you become pregnant again- it is in the back of our mind- but in a way that you will treasure each day- each time you hear that heartbeat or feel that flutter- because you won't take it for granted. We have friends who are very adamant about the way they deliver- our plan is 'bring a baby home alive.' That's where were at given our history- and in a way I think that will prepare us for even more joy. The last thing I want to say is- I disagree with the woman who suggested burying the bunny. Keep the bunny. It's important. If you need to mark a moment of letting go, buy a few precious balloons, go out on a sunny day, and release them up into the sky. And read Isaiah 61, esp the first five verses or so. So sorry and much love to you....

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  66. i'm so so sorry for your loss. my friend and i saw you at fashion island last weekend and wanted to tell you how adorable your hair is but we didn't because i'm shy. i can't imagine how hard this must be, i'm sending nothing buy good juju your way. <3

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  67. I am deeply sorry for your loss, I don't know the right words to say in this type of moment. But from what I can tell about you by reading your blog for the past few years is that you are an amazing & strong woman, who has great faith in God. I know its hard, but trust that God will bring you through this. It will get better. You're in my prayers.

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  68. I rarely comment, but this struck a chord with me. I went through the same thing. After months of infertility, we got pregnant, only to lose it at 12 weeks. Its absolutely devastating. You put a lot of blame on yourself. You hate God. You are angry. Its totally understandable. But, just know you are not alone. And one day your miracle will come. Mine came after 12 more months.. we now have a beautiful son. My thoughts are with you.

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  69. This post is so brave and I'm so sorry.

    I have read your blog for a long time and never have commented enough but what I know from your blog is that you and Levi are going to make amazing parents and it will all work out.

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  70. this entire post is so strong and courageous of you, i'm really sad and sorry about what has happened :(

    your blog is extremely inspiring and you are an amazing person. sometimes bad things happen before they get better. don't give up, i know you will be an amazing parent someday. like i said you've already been so brave about everything, just hold out a little bit longer and i promise things will be better :')

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  71. Oh man.
    I don't think I've ever commented, but I have emailed you once before (thank you for emailing me back!).
    Anyway...I am terribly sorry this happened. It makes my heart ache and brings back all too familiar feelings of my own. We had a miscarriage at 7 weeks in March of last year. We are still struggling to get pregnant. And, well...it sucks. There's really no other way to put it. It doesn't make sense, it's not fair, no one talks about which, which only makes it more difficult - it just sucks! My only advice during this time, is to avoid Facebook and other methods of comparing yourself to others who are starting their families. That was the hardest for me. I didn't like seeing it, and I really didn't like the jealousy I felt. I didn't like being jealous of my friends, when I should have felt happy for them. That was hard.
    I will be praying for you. It will happen! You will get your baby! I know it!
    A verse that has comforted me:
    We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed. We are perplexed, but not given to despair. We are hunted down, but NEVER abandoned by God. We get knocked down, but we are not destroyed. Through suffering, our bodies continue to share in the death of Jesus so that the life of Jesus may also be seen in our bodies.
    2 Corinthians 4:8-10 (NLT)

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  72. I just came across your blog 5 minutes ago and have the utmost compassion for you and your husband. My little sister had a miscarriage 1 year and 6 weeks ago. She only knew she was pregnant for a week or two, but as you experienced - the instant high with the instant low, affected her more than she wanted to admit.
    With that being said, the pain she carried with her, drew her away from Jesus and her husband. I'm thankful and amazed to say that Jesus' convictions weighed heavy upon her chest and she has totally repented, but i pray for your marriage specifically. That Jesus will continue to be the center of your marriage through this hard time, that no little "foxes" so to speak will make their way into something He has brought together.
    And for peace for when He blesses you with another gift. And please remember, you have a little one in Heaven who is with Jesus right now :)

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  73. Just came across this. So sorry, Jasmine and Levi. Her life definitely counted. I hope you find comfort and peace very soon. Lots of love!

    * Julia

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