I had a miscarriage this week. And it was devastating. We hadn't even known I was pregnant for very long, but it still tore both our hearts apart. I can't help but feel that I did something wrong, that I caused this to happen. I can't help but feel that it isn't fair. I can't help but feel that nothing good can ever happen to me without something horrible happening first. And this was truly horrible. To go from total joy to total despair is an absolute nightmare. I couldn't even believe I was pregnant in the first place, then to have it ripped away from me... I don't even know what to say. Every time I felt a cramp and every time I saw the blood were fresh, constant reminders that my body was taking my baby away from me.
And now I'm really scared to get pregnant again. I'm scared that I'll have to live this nightmare again. I'm angry that my joy will be tainted next time because I know what can happen. I know what this loss feels like.
The day Levi and I found out I was pregnant, we went shopping and bought a little stuffed bunny for our baby. I keep picking up the little bunny and rubbing it against my face, holding it to my chest. My heart is broken, and I don't know what to do. I feel empty and hollow and overwhelmed by grief. I know that it will get better, but right now, it's awful, and I'm just really really sad.