Last night, we took my sister to see Bon Iver at the Gibson Amphitheatre as a surprise. It was really fun to surprise her, and it was a really beautiful show. It was also really emotional for me in a way I didn't expect.
As I was sitting there, in the dark, listening to the most gorgeous violin solo that lasted for several minutes, I started to cry. I wasn't crying because it was so beautiful. I was crying because I didn't feel anything. I used to feel music in my soul. It used to stir things up in my heart to the point where I felt like I would burst. I used to feel a lot of things that way. But, lately, I just feel kind of numb. I definitely still experience negative feelings, and I experience mildly positive feelings, but something changed, and I hate it. I don't feel passionate about anything anymore... and passionate has always been the most popular word people use to describe me.
As I was sitting there, crying because I couldn't feel anything, I started thinking a lot. I was brainstorming what to do. I'm not the type to roll over and die. If I have something to complain about (which is often, honestly), I do something about it. I thought back to the times I felt overjoyed. Then I thought of how I've been feeling lately. I realized that I was still experiencing intensity in my emotions... it was just on the wrong end of the spectrum, the negative end. I realized that I've been making a lot of negative deposits in myself lately. Then it clicked! I thought of a couple blogs, in particular, that bring out negative feelings every time I read them. Then I thought of a couple Twitter and Instagram feeds that do the same thing to me. In my head I heard, "You need to stop following ______."
The second I resolved to do so, I felt instant relief. I felt a little flood of joy and lightness. The music started touching my heart! It sounded different! I got up, right in the middle of Re: Stacks, went to the lobby, and unfollowed everything that felt like a negative influence from my phone. I went back in and thoroughly enjoyed the rest of the show. They played Flume and Skinny Love at the encore, and I had my so-beautiful-my-heart-might-burst moment. It was good to be back.
This may sound kind of lame... it's just the Internet, after all. But even something like a blogging hobby can have a harmful impact. If the input is negative, the outcome will be too. It felt like it had become a little roadblock. I needed to clear it away to make room for the good.
Summing it all up, friends, I'd say you'll do best by filling
your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable,
authentic, compelling, gracious - the best, not the worst;
Levi and I spent the morning watching Bob Ross. I almost fell back asleep. His voice is so mesmerizing and soothing. "Let's put some happy little branches over here. See that color. Look at the sparkle it gives. We have some big decisions to make now. Decide where your tree lives and just place it in there. You can create anything your heart can imagine. On the canvas at least."
Those are words to live by. I think every day could benefit from a little Bob Ross in the morning.
Since we decided not to move, we've been trying to spruce up our home. We want to create a more relaxing environment inside so that it actually starts to feel like a retreat from madness instead of the center of it all. Our bathroom is extremely ugly. Ugly, stained, chipped blue tiles. Cracked paint on the walls. Broken tiles in the bathroom. And the most heinous bile-colored bathtub. Not a lot to work with, but it looks soooo much better and feels really calming.
So. I'm really into Partylite candles. That's probably kinda dorky, but I can't help it. Anyway, they used to make a scent called Belgian Waffle, and it was my favorite. It's "retired" now, and I can't find it anywhere... does anyone have some that they wouldn't mind selling to me? I'd be really really grateful, and my nose would be so happy. Let me know! :)
I only took 5 iPhone pictures on our trip to Cambria a couple weeks ago. I didn't even take my camera with me to Hearst Castle!!! It was glorious. I felt so free. It felt really relaxing to just walk around and soak everything in, not worrying about pulling my camera out to capture all the beauty around me. It almost felt frivolous... and a bit luxurious. I'm seriously not exaggerating.
Then, we saw a bunch of zebras on PCH on the way back to the hotel... I regretted not having my camera a little bit then...
The zebras were absolutely breathtaking. We even saw a momma zebra nursing her baby!
Levi took some photos on his iPhone at Hearst Castle. I really like this one. Looking at it makes me remember how peaceful I felt standing on that little golden balcony tucked away in a corner of the garden.
William Randolph Hearst really got it right when he named his home La Cuesta Encantada, the enchanted hill. It's truly magical up there.
Our latest trip to Cambria was exactly what we needed. I only wish we could have stayed longer.