so as you all know, i go to counseling weekly, and i take medication for a mood disorder.
it feels like i've gotten past a lot of my issues that were closest to the surface. of course, they're not all solved or anything, but they've been discussed, and i have some sort of plan of action with most of them. i've seen SO much improvement in myself and my life over the past year and two months of therapy. it's really incredible how it works! it's amazing that just talking about things does anything at all, but it really does.
so lately, i feel like we've finally gotten down to the root of a lot of my issues...to one of the deepest darkest parts i've held inside of me. it's the part i don't really share with others, the part i'm really afraid of talking about...which is weird because i'm not really one to be afraid of talking about or sharing much of anything.
this thing is one of the exceptions i guess. at first, talking about it seemed to release a lot of the power that i had given to it. it seemed to make it ever so slightly better because it had been revealed in the light of day.
but lately, i've been feeling like i'm walking around with this huge, open, gaping wound. it's on my mind almost all the time....more than it was before, which is really saying something because i was pretty obsessive with my thoughts on it before. i feel totally preoccupied. and i'm hoping that counseling will work its mysterious magic soon.
i don't want to feel like this anymore. i hate it. it affects me emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually, relationally. it affects the decisions i make every day, my outlook on the world, my perception of others.
i'm not miserable or anything. i'm not even really depressed. i'm just aware. i'm conscious of the fact that this thing i'm working through isn't normal or healthy. i'm acknowledging that it sort of rules my world...and it has for almost as long as i can remember.
i don't even really know why i'm writing about this right now. i'm sure anyone reading is totally irritated with me since i haven't even shared what this thing is. i hate when other people do that. i feel torn. one of the reasons i've avoided talking about it for so long is that i don't want people to think i want attention for it. i also don't want to be judged because of it. and i'm afraid that if i fix it, all my fears will be realized. and i kind of already know the reaction i'll get if i say anything. i've talked about parts of it with people before, and i usually get the same reaction, the same reassurances. but what good is that when i don't believe them? i've spent my whole life trying to convince myself that what they're saying is true. if i can't convince myself, then how can anyone else convince me?
then there's this other side of me - this side that feels SO compelled to be truthful. i NEVER want to come across as someone who presents her life as perfect. i want others to perceive me as a real person, flaws and all. the nature of lifestyle blogging is to sort of present your life as this pretty little package all tied up with a nice little bow. and it isn't hard to do! it's pretty easy to present your life as perfect on the internet actually! take some pictures, write some words, and you're done. you only have to share the parts you want to share. OR you can just make up parts that aren't even really YOU and share them.
but i don't want that. i don't want that for me, and i don't want that for anyone who happens to read what i write. i'd feel horrible doing that to another woman...or man! we already struggle with so much insecurity as it is. why should i try to make others believe that i've got it all figured out when i don't? i've compared my life to the lives of other bloggers a lot. i've thought they had the world at their feet, that they lived perfect, charmed lives in their gorgeous houses with their beautiful wardrobes, perfect bodies, and flawless faces.
but last year, i finally figured out that that was just a façade. nobody has a perfect life. nobody has it all figured out. we all have problems, insecurities, hang ups. sharing those things is up to the individual. there's no rule that says lifestyle bloggers have to share everything about themselves. we're allowed to show only the good things, only the pretty things.
but that doesn't sit well with me. obviously, i don't share every single thing about myself on this blog. i don't have that kind of time or energy. but i would like you all to know that i don't fancy myself a perfect woman. i don't have it all figured out. i have insecurities that keep me awake for hours at night.
so i guess this post is sort of a check-in for me - i'm checking in to let you know that i'm not trying to parade myself around as perfect. i'm working through a pretty big issue right now. i'm still a very happy person, and i love my life, but there's more to my life than i have the energy to share on a regular basis. i guess this post is to share the commitment i've made to this blog:
i commit to being real on this blog. i commit to talking about the big things in life from time to time. i commit to NEVER posting something that is false. yes, i will talk mostly about the good things in my life, but i won't act like the bad things don't exist.
this is my teeny-tiny contribution to creating the kind of world i'd like to live in. hopefully, one day i'll be able to make a bigger contribution. but, for now, this is something that i can do.