24 March, 2011

on the inside...lately


so as you all know, i go to counseling weekly, and i take medication for a mood disorder.

it feels like i've gotten past a lot of my issues that were closest to the surface. of course, they're not all solved or anything, but they've been discussed, and i have some sort of plan of action with most of them. i've seen SO much improvement in myself and my life over the past year and two months of therapy. it's really incredible how it works! it's amazing that just talking about things does anything at all, but it really does.

so lately, i feel like we've finally gotten down to the root of a lot of my issues...to one of the deepest darkest parts i've held inside of me. it's the part i don't really share with others, the part i'm really afraid of talking about...which is weird because i'm not really one to be afraid of talking about or sharing much of anything.

this thing is one of the exceptions i guess. at first, talking about it seemed to release a lot of the power that i had given to it. it seemed to make it ever so slightly better because it had been revealed in the light of day.

but lately, i've been feeling like i'm walking around with this huge, open, gaping wound. it's on my mind almost all the time....more than it was before, which is really saying something because i was pretty obsessive with my thoughts on it before. i feel totally preoccupied. and i'm hoping that counseling will work its mysterious magic soon.

i don't want to feel like this anymore. i hate it. it affects me emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually, relationally. it affects the decisions i make every day, my outlook on the world, my perception of others.

i'm not miserable or anything. i'm not even really depressed. i'm just aware. i'm conscious of the fact that this thing i'm working through isn't normal or healthy. i'm acknowledging that it sort of rules my world...and it has for almost as long as i can remember.

i don't even really know why i'm writing about this right now. i'm sure anyone reading is totally irritated with me since i haven't even shared what this thing is. i hate when other people do that. i feel torn. one of the reasons i've avoided talking about it for so long is that i don't want people to think i want attention for it. i also don't want to be judged because of it. and i'm afraid that if i fix it, all my fears will be realized. and i kind of already know the reaction i'll get if i say anything. i've talked about parts of it with people before, and i usually get the same reaction, the same reassurances. but what good is that when i don't believe them? i've spent my whole life trying to convince myself that what they're saying is true. if i can't convince myself, then how can anyone else convince me?

then there's this other side of me - this side that feels SO compelled to be truthful. i NEVER want to come across as someone who presents her life as perfect. i want others to perceive me as a real person, flaws and all. the nature of lifestyle blogging is to sort of present your life as this pretty little package all tied up with a nice little bow. and it isn't hard to do! it's pretty easy to present your life as perfect on the internet actually! take some pictures, write some words, and you're done. you only have to share the parts you want to share. OR you can just make up parts that aren't even really YOU and share them.

but i don't want that. i don't want that for me, and i don't want that for anyone who happens to read what i write. i'd feel horrible doing that to another woman...or man! we already struggle with so much insecurity as it is. why should i try to make others believe that i've got it all figured out when i don't? i've compared my life to the lives of other bloggers a lot. i've thought they had the world at their feet, that they lived perfect, charmed lives in their gorgeous houses with their beautiful wardrobes, perfect bodies, and flawless faces.

but last year, i finally figured out that that was just a fa├žade. nobody has a perfect life. nobody has it all figured out. we all have problems, insecurities, hang ups. sharing those things is up to the individual. there's no rule that says lifestyle bloggers have to share everything about themselves. we're allowed to show only the good things, only the pretty things.

but that doesn't sit well with me. obviously, i don't share every single thing about myself on this blog. i don't have that kind of time or energy. but i would like you all to know that i don't fancy myself a perfect woman. i don't have it all figured out. i have insecurities that keep me awake for hours at night.

so i guess this post is sort of a check-in for me - i'm checking in to let you know that i'm not trying to parade myself around as perfect. i'm working through a pretty big issue right now. i'm still a very happy person, and i love my life, but there's more to my life than i have the energy to share on a regular basis. i guess this post is to share the commitment i've made to this blog:

i commit to being real on this blog. i commit to talking about the big things in life from time to time. i commit to NEVER posting something that is false. yes, i will talk mostly about the good things in my life, but i won't act like the bad things don't exist.

this is my teeny-tiny contribution to creating the kind of world i'd like to live in. hopefully, one day i'll be able to make a bigger contribution. but, for now, this is something that i can do.

32 comments:

  1. You're so brave! (I mean that sincerely.)

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  2. Thank you, seriously. I'm extremely tired of seeing blogs where everything is p e r f e c t. Live isn't like that and I like reading about real people. (and also to make myself feel not so crazy for having my imperfect moments)

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  3. I keep reading your blog because it feels honest. I love that you're interested in talking about life's little joys, but that you're transparent to the fact that life isn't perfect. I strive for that too. I'm a really open person and tend to be drawn to similar people. I think we would be friends if we weren't on opposite coasts.

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  4. I completely understand how much it can help to talk (or in this case write) about something you're working through. I hope that things start getting better for you. Thanks for telling us what you are comfortable with, which is more than some people might. Even acknowledging that you're going through something shows us how honest you are.

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  5. You're so tough for even sharing this much. I have some big problems I need to work out, all stemming from one problem. I've ignored it my whole life, and after 21 years, I'm just now going to therapy. I'm so nervous!

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  6. That was a very beautiful post. I love the idea of not presenting yourself as perfect, I think that a lot of bloggers come off that way. Not necessarily intentionally, but just because its easier to share the good stuff. It is nice to know there are other imperfect, but happy people out there.

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  7. I read your blog for that reason alone. That you are real and not afraid to be yourself. I respect that you share those things that are hard for you. Thank you for inspiring me. :)

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  8. I really appreciate your honesty in this post. I myself went to therapy for a year or so a few years back and was similarly amazed at the results. It isn't a simple solution but rather a process, a method of learning new behaviors and patterns of thought to help find greater happiness and stability in life. I'm glad to see a blogger so bravely writing about this with such openness.

    I also like how you're also trying to express your humanity to your readers. All too often I find myself growing jealous of bloggers who document the best of their lives - I idealize their lives and put them on a pedestal, thinking they have things figured out much more than myself. It's extremely refreshing and heartening to have someone so adamantly fight the idea that anyone is perfect - we're all human, we're all works in progress, and we all make mistakes.

    So thanks again for this revealing, honest, and inspiring post. This post is a perfect example of why I love the blog community as much as I do.

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  9. the world your trying to create is exactly the world i want to live in too!

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  10. Yes!! I love these real kind of posts from bloggers. It's EASY to have a really warped perception on peoples lives based on blogging.

    I hope that you have a great counselor to help you work through whatever "it" is. Letting a part of yourself go is terrifying and wonderful all in one.

    Sending love and prayers your way my dear!

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  11. Jas, you are such an inspiration!

    If you could email me that would me amazing. I have some questions as to where you attend therapy. Is it in Long Beach? It'd be nice to have someone or an out source to talk to....Racheliseber@gmail.com

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  12. This is amazing. I never see posts like these on blogs. People don't share the honest, negative feelings they're facing. I think people need to be more open, even in the blogger world. It's nice to see a real person, being honest to everyone.
    I do hope that you can figure out this wound and how to fix it. You seem like an amazing and strong person. <3

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  13. Thank you for sharing. You are so brave and so real. I've been reading your blog for a couple years now and even though you may only share snippets, it's exciting to feel like I am experiencing some of that growth and learning with you. I'm excited for your future. You are beautiful!

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  14. Wow! Thank you for sharing this with me, I've always thought that the people's whose blogs I read have it all figured out, they have cute little etsy shops, they're beautiful, have the perfect person on their side their significant other, and I don't have any of that, but I love that you shared this with me, that I know that I'm not the only one with problems but that some bloggers actually have them to, and maybe their blog is their escape from the bad things in their lives, but thanks for being yourself, good and bad, flaws or no flaws... I will definitely do the same on my blog, I'll be true to myself and to my readers!

    Again, thanks for sharing this. This really made the world of difference for me!

    Thanks for being brave enough to admit that you have problems too and for keeping it real! I hope all of the best for you! You deserve it! I absolutely love reading your blog! and you are an amazing person! plus... a very beautiful lady..

    hope you have the most magnificent day!

    xx

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  15. and this is why i love you! (: xo

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  16. You're so brave and it's so refreshing to hear someone really acknowledge this, bravo! Here's to being real and exposing our flaws and insecurities so we can work through them together :)x

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  17. I understand where you're coming from, and I couldn't agree more, my dear. Everyone has problems, and I appreciate how courageous, honest and positive you have been on your blog. I think you're awesome.

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  18. It's always nice to know that other people are working through things as well. I actually had an issue as a child that I am still dealing with today (over 23 years later). Things can take a while to work out, sometimes through actual therapy and sometimes through our own ways of self healing/dealing. I haven't shared my issue with many people either...so I understand your point. You are an amazing person for sharing this story with us, and we all appreciate you even more for your honesty!

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  19. I blog stalk you because you are a real person and I love it! You're inspiring and I'm always excited when I see that you've posted.

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  20. I love your beautiful photos, and thank you for sharing this part of yourself. It's easy to get swept away with the pretty things and forget that we all struggle. I wish you strength in your journey in discovery and healing.

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  21. Would it be weird for me to say I fell a little bit in love with you from this post? I too struggle with mental heath and go to therapy. Finding another lady braver than I to put it out there so honestly is truly inspiring!

    Ramblings of a Small Town Girl
    Fanciful Brainstorm - Tumblr

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  22. amen sister! keep it real!
    thanks for sharing!

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  23. I love this post. I appreciate it. And I wish you good luck with whatever it is that you're struggling with.

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  24. Dare I say best blog post ever in the whole world?! Yes, I dare say it! Man I freaking adore you! Thanks for opening up and being honest. You are the b to the est!

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  25. I agree with everyone. Social networking in general can be really deceptive because people are sharing only the positive moments. I only tell the truth on my blog, but I'm certainly never posting when I'm having a terrible day. I adore the fact that you can be so bold, and I believe that you can work through whatever this issue is so that you will shine on the inside as much as you do on the outside and as much as your words do on this blog. You are not perfect.. no.. but you are an exceptional human being. Wouldn't perfect be boring anyway??

    http://kikikalila.blogspot.com/

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  26. I love you for posting this! Thank you for bringing some light to mental health issues. I work at an acute psychiatric hospital and I cringe at some of the responses I get when I tell people what I do. I either get looks of horror ("how scary") or unwarrented admiration ("you're a saint"). I try to explain that the people I work with are just that, ordinary people going through a difficult time. I could go on forever, but this is already a pretty long comment (sorry). Anyway, thank you!

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  27. Thanks for sharing this! It is so tough not to get caught up in the world of blogging and trying to 'keep up with the jones.' You are a beautiful soul!

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  28. No one is perfect, but in the blogging world it is very easy to become disillusioned and to compare. Thanks for being real.

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  29. I completely agree with everything you said. Even though I don't know what you're going through, I just feel like I can relate. I love not being perfect and as soon as I read the words "only the pretty things" I knew you had to hear this song! You've maybe even already heard of it, but I've been playing it on repeat for the past week. Enjoy and have a lovely day!!

    http://mletemp.blogspot.com/2011/03/something-pretty.html

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  30. Yes, those bloggers bother me. If you have a hard issue that you've worked through that may help another woman work through hers, why not?!

    I don't like facades, I'm glad you're not like that. I've quit reading those blogs. They started being annoying to me some where along the way...

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  31. Sometimes it seems like as you're working through an issue it is always on your mind, because you're becoming aware of it, and how much it was involved in your life. At least that's how it has been for me. It's hard to let go of things like that, that you've been holding on to for a long time. I agree, it won't help other than the benefits from talking about it until you first believe yourself what other people are saying. This post is awesome! I hate how easy it is to compare yourself to other people's talents that they show on the internet. More bloggers need to have posts like this every once in a while.

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