in case you hadn't already noticed...this has been a really difficult time for me.
i'm dealing with a lot going through this process, and it's not easy.
therapy is a grueling process. it drudges up a lot of hard issues. things that i would rather not think about. behaviours and beliefs that i have developed over the years in order to cope with my circumstances and my disease. i haven't talked a lot about my circumstances or the things i've gone through in my life, but i've got a story...just like all of you. i have a lot of really painful memories. just typing that sentence brought tears to my eyes. even things that i've been processing for more than 12 years can still make me cry.
most days are difficult. i feel like i'm working and processing and trying to change all the time.
it's exhausting and overwhelming.
i don't really talk about my faith much on my blog. i'm not really sure why. i guess i just don't do things that way. i don't want to sound preachy. but i'm going to talk about it now. what God is doing in me right now is incredible. he has been speaking to me so much. that still, small voice that everyone is always talking about has been in my head, heart, and soul almost constantly. i guess it's always there, but i'm really hearing it right now.
maybe it's just that i'm listening harder? i don't know.
i'm not an illogical person. i'm not just going to listen to any voice in my head and call it the word of God. i believe that you have to go through a process in order to determine whether or not God is speaking to you. if what you're hearing 1) agrees with the Bible and 2) is consistent with Jesus Christ's character, then you're good to go. that's God.
i believe that the holy spirit lives in me. God lives in me. he speaks to me. he loves me and will never ever leave me.
that's the most comforting thing i can think of.
the creator of the universe, of heaven and earth, seeks me out. he wants me and protects me. i can't tell you how many times he's pulled me out of situations that were too much for me. i feel so lucky that he hasn't let me go...even though i've tried really hard to get away sometimes.
God has proven to be trustworthy time and time again. he's really had his work cut out for him. i think women learn to trust God through their fathers. we learn about God's love for us through our fathers. it's our first exposure to it. i think part of the reason God has been so patient with me and has worked so hard to gain my trust is because i didn't have a father i could trust. throw a couple crappy boyfriends on top of that, and you've got a very guarded woman.
(for the record, levi is obviously, one hundred percent, absolutely not lumped into that crappy boyfriend pile. levi is the first man, besides my incredible brother, i've trusted.)
anyway, i feel like i'm finally starting to get it. it's finally starting to click in my head, in my soul. it's time to have bigger faith. to let go of the reins. to trust God.
it certainly isn't easy. it's a conscious decision. when i find myself worrying about something, in an attempt to control it (i do this a lot - i call it preemptive worry), i have to deliberately choose to give it to God. i have to decide to do my best, to make the best decisions i can and try my hardest and then just let it go.
this isn't new stuff i'm talking about here. but it's my life right now....well not just right now. this is my life. period.
i like the message's translation of 1 peter 3. it says to "cultivate inner beauty, the gentle, gracious kind that God delights in." i want to be that woman. i want to be gentle and gracious, beautiful on the inside. i want to be calm and confident, "unaxious and unintimidated." those words soothe me. don't they sound soothing?? don't you picture the most beautiful woman on the planet when you hear that description? i've always desired to be that woman.
and right now, i feel so much closer to becoming her because of this path i'm on, because i'm trying to follow where God is leading me.
for the first time in my life, i'm beginning to trust that everything is going to be okay and that letting go is the first step to becoming who i want to be.