10 June, 2010


(i wrote this a few nights ago. i have since been back to my counselor & feel much better.)

sometimes i feel boring. i feel like there's a protective barrier of ice in my brain, separating my conscious from my sub-conscious. i don't allow myself to dive into the depths of my mind anymore. instead, i tiptoe across the surface, peering down into the velvety, rich layers below. the abyss intrigues me; it beckons me. i want to go back there, to a place so terrifically familiar; a place where i used to dwell for days, weeks, & months at a time, shrouding myself in the things that grow down there, sinking further & further, stretching out farther & deeper, letting the deep envelop me, floating in the intoxicating, dangerous waters of my mind. i was so deep that i felt my soul. i thought i was getting closer to the core of it all, but it was too much for me. my ears would start to pound, my eyes bulged, my lungs screamed. it was terrifying. i would break the surface, gasping for the safety of the shallow, relieved to breathe again but devastated that i had come so close only to fail. so i have learned to stay away from those depths that i'm so drawn to. it's safer to only scratch the surface, maybe dip my toe in when i find a crack in the ice. but nothing more. i'd be lying if i said i didn't miss that place though. my soul weeps for it. i ache. i want to feel everything again. i want to get to that place right before it becomes too much. i want to stretch my limbs until i feel like i'll be torn apart. i want back inside those deep, dark, unpredictable layers that have threatened to swallow me up, time & time again.


  1. just have fun jas... everything will work out fine, if it wasn't hard work, the end result wouldn't seem as fun and carefree.

  2. this is so beautifully accurate. you've prompted me. thank you.

  3. i missed my counseling session this week, TOO... sure makes it harder to focus on what's going on in front of me when I'm all wrapped up in my head-chaos.

    p.s. I suck. I've been looking through my wedding mags, and they're all summery, not wintry as I thought...I've asked a few friends, though, to look through their stashes! only time will tell. :-)

  4. Um, you're NEVERRR boring.


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