22 April, 2010

the one where levi yells at me

does anyone remember this post?

it's still such a huge problem for me. i've been forced to think about it a lot lately. (forced by levi and by my therapist - freaking therapy. always making you confront your problems.)

yesterday, i got my grade back for my big, scary french midterm that i was pretty stressed over. i got a B+. i was very pleased...honestly, i was just hoping to get at least a D so this definitely exceeded my expectations. but then i noticed that the class average was a point and a half higher than mine, and i felt really disappointed. i shared this with levi, and he YELLED at me! (this really startled me because levi never yells.)

he told (yelled at) me to please shut up, and just be happy with the grade i earned. he then took me by the shoulders and told me (he stopped yelling at this point) that i would never be perfect. ever. at anything. and he made me repeat that out loud. he told me he loved me exactly as i am and that he wants me to love me that way too.

i think that maybe it sunk in a little.

i had never actually admitted that i would never be perfect at anything. i have always just felt that if i kept trying hard enough and stopped screwing up, perfection would come. i'm tired of waiting for it to come though.

over the past few months, i have slowly felt myself loosening up a bit. unclenching. i'm not as edgy or defensive as i used to be. i don't get offended so easily anymore. i'm calmer and more content. i don't get bored as often. i feel like i'm not torturing myself quite as much over what i need to do to become the person i want to be. so maybe i'm starting to let go of this idea of "attainable" perfection that i've been holding onto for so long.

because no perfection is attainable.

it doesn't matter how high i reach or how much i try, i'm not going to grab hold of it.

maybe writing those words will make those ideas more true for me.


  1. Boy do I need to utter those words too. It's hard to admit because it would be nice to be perfect and stuff, really anything for that matter. Thanks for sharing...

    and P.S. you have an amazing boyfriend!

  2. "because no perfection is attainable.

    it doesn't matter how high i reach or how much i try, i'm not going to grab hold of it."

    You are so so right. Just do what is best for you and love what you are doing while doing it! No one is perfect or will be able to, not while on this earth.

  3. First of all, congrats on the B+!
    Secondly, yes. Yes yes yes. Desire for perfection is something I struggle with, too- although, really, who doesn't? Good for you for beginning to realize that that's not realistic. I'm still working on getting there.

  4. Hooray for imperfections! To be honest in six months you're not going to remember what the class average was - you'll remember that you got an AWESOME B+ - so be happy lady! x

  5. you are so fortunate to have such an honest and caring man in your life. he sounds like just what you need.

    where can i get one? haha. :)

  6. i've never commented here before, but my brother was an old friend of levi's when he lived in west covina. i've followed you for a qhile and you are so fun to read. anyway, this post rang true to my ears. being newly married and young i often strive for the perfection i see in the women at church. though it isn't a REAL perfection i see how they have it all together, perfect family, perfect happiness, perfect hair, perfect perfection. this past month i've been trying to accept my imperfections. slowly but surely.

  7. the "perfection" you think you see in others is usually a mask for what is truly there... NO ONE is perfect, no matter how together they may seem... we all have flaws, but that's what makes us individuals~ makes us beautiful~ makes us not boring!

    thank you for being not boring and having such amazing words to share with all of us- you make my bloglines fun to read! congrats on the test!

  8. Congrats on the B+! That really is awesome. And this post is so very true... no one's perfect, at anything. So just let loose, have fun and be happy for what you're good at and have. That's what's important in the long run!

  9. Congratulations on your B+. You did fantastic!

  10. i'm very, very similar in this way. i'm my biggest critic, very hard on myself.

    i think my striving for perfection comes from the thought that achieving it will somehow bring me success, love, peace and contentment. i believe if i'm perfect at work, i'll get the promotion i want, the raise i need to achieve my dreams (like buying and house and starting a family). or i think if i'm a perfect friend, wife, daughter, i'll never be alone or feel loneliness.

    but slowly i'm realizing that none of those things are guaranteed, especially not through stressing myself out and not stopping to just enjoy life.

    i recently was laid off from my job recently. it had nothing to do with my job performance and a lot to do with bullshit office politics by a bad boss, but i blamed myself. i had failed. i hadn't played the game right - even if it was effed up. i thought i was worthless. it has been a process, every day since, to grow away from those feelings.

    it's a process you have to choose every single day. i'm there with you. i wish you the best in moving toward your goals. xo

  11. I just clicked my way through to your blog, and I have to say its fabulous!

    And hey, be proud of that B+!! No one is perfect, but so long as you keep smiling, you are pretty darn close :D

  12. this made me cry.........and cry .........and cry

    thanks for making me feel something oddly, painfully beautiful xo

  13. i blogged about your touching post



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