12 February, 2010

i can do it

right now, i'm trying to separate who i really am from who this mental illness has made me.

sometimes i feel like i know, but not this week.

this week has been really difficult.

i feel like i'm in a fog. sometimes i'll come out of it for a little while, and i feel really good. but it always comes back. every night, i go to bed hoping that it won't be there in the morning, but it always is.

today my psychiatrist told me he thinks that my medication is making me depressed, and i started crying. he asked me what's so difficult for me and what i'm working on in therapy. i told him.

i'm working on what i call my "core." i want my happiness to come from my core. i want my strength, stability, emotional well being, joy, and contentment to come from my core. i don't want things from the outside to shake my stability so much. i don't want to rely on the outside to make my inside happy. it doesn't work. i want the outside things to add to my happiness, but i don't want them to be my happiness. they can't be. that doesn't work.

these seem like things that i should have learned by now, but my brain hasn't allowed it. my disease wouldn't let me. i feel so behind and so cheated. it's not like i haven't been trying.

i asked my psychiatrist how much of this he thought was habit. his answer - "to be honest, not much."

that made me really hopeful and excited. that means a lot of this can be helped by medication. the rest by time and by therapy.

i'm trying so hard. i want to find out who i really am. i want to strengthen my "core." (haha! i sound like every exercise video ever. for the record, i'm working on strengthening my physical core too.) i want a job! i want to be self sufficient in every way. i don't want to depend on everyone else for so many things. i want to have more to offer.

it's so frustrating though. i've applied for sooooo many jobs. i've gotten like 2 responses and 1 phone interview...still no job. want me, somebody! want me!

and i feel like everything else is happening really slowly too. i already told you that i'm not very patient. i've probably changed a lot more than i realize, but i'm not sure. it's hard to see change in yourself. and i think my psychiatrist is right - i think i am depressed. depression sucks! fortunately, it's medication induced. it should go away once my dosage tweaking kicks in.

one more thing to wait for, right??

but i'll tell you one thing i'm not going to wait for. i'm not going to wait for everything to be perfect to enjoy my life. i have to enjoy it now, when i don't really like it. that will guarantee that i will be able to enjoy it when all of this is over. of course, that's a lot easier said than done. but i will make it happen.

and that's one thing i know about myself - i don't limit my abilities. i know i can do almost anything i decide to do.


  1. Hi there! I LOVE how openly you discuss your illness. You are a brilliant writer and I love your blog!

    Hang in there, keep focusing on the core and you will soon be where you want to be!


  2. that's the way to think, Jasmine! its will take some work but you can do it!

  3. Your positive attitude and honesty are strengthening, Jasmine. Not only for you, but for me, too. I think I'm crawling through a bit of a tough time right now, too, but I'm positive that I'll come out of it. You will, too. You've set your mind on a time when "this" will be over and you can make it happen. XO

  4. I'm so proud of you for continually moving!!! As long as you don't let it stop you there's always hope on this crazy rollercoaster so many of us are on! And thank you for sharing your journey... it helps me to here other people share similar struggles. xoxo

  5. I think you're definitely heading in a really good direction -- again, kudos on taking charge! Much love!

  6. About the "core": Thank you so much for putting into words what I've been trying to describe for years.

    You are strong and can do this.

  7. Your optimism is inspiring! Keep working hard, it will pay off :)

  8. you have the strength and will to get through this :)

  9. Keep your chin up Jasmine, and focus on how great things are going to be! Ok, so no job yet - but you have got lots of interest, so that's promising! I know you're going to be just fine soon :) x

  10. you can do it! i believe in you! :)

  11. Yes, find joy in what you can now while you work towards a greater change and it will be so much easier to do and you deserve to be happy

  12. Jas- i think you should so some yoga at a studio, the calming sensation will help besides there are always a great group of girls that do yoga and their conversation and friendship is always a good thing!! love ya

  13. You describe it so well!

    This is something that I am struggling with as well...applying for job after job with no response. {not even the small time jobs will hire me}

    I feel like my college degree means nothing and it is the reason I am in so much debt! I can't get hired in my field, I left my hometown to live somewhere else to get a better job and start over...I feel like waiting and waiting makes it harder everyday. Sometimes I feel nuts, even though my friends swear that I am not. They just say that I am going through a hard time. I think that by now, I should know how to deal with hard times...

    And then I read your blog.

    And you're amazing. Because you can put it into words. You make a lot of people understand the strength of spirit. It feels good to know that other people are going through similar times.

    I hope that one day comes soon when you do wake up and you are thrilled to get through the day.

    Meanwhile, I'm loving your blog.
    Have a good weekend, girl.

  14. I'm glad that you are taking time to find your core and biuld a foundation for a healthy life. Though it might not seem like it I am positive each day is leaps and bounds of progress towards your goals and the things you need will come to you when the time is right.

  15. throughout all of this, you have been such an inspiration to me - being honest with yourself, working towards reality, living IN reality, and still giving of yourself in the midst of it. Also, did you get a new psychiatrist - he!? wasn't it a she before?

  16. YES!!! You CAN do it!!!
    love and light

  17. http://www.ikedaquotes.org/what-is-happiness

    I hope this helps. It made me realise alot. Hang in there! (:

  18. you have so much amazing insight. i love what you said about the outside things not making you happy, but just adding to the happiness. so true and so important. thinking about you jasmine! xoxo

  19. it's all in your last sentence. it's true. but sometimes we listen to & and identify with the voice in our head ...who always is up to more harm than good. You'll figure it out. Even if that means accepting it. Good luck.

  20. I hope everything gets better for you. Everytime I read your posts I feel so sad that you are hurting so much. Hang in there.

  21. Hey huun-just popped in hadn't seen your "face" around my parts for a bit. You know you may want to check your hormones. I swear I was a complete NUT when I was your age. I couldn't make up my mind, I would be up all night, just high high or low low. I think it's hormones. It's worth checking out.


    Miss B


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