27 February, 2010

everything is going to be okay. it already is.

in case you hadn't already noticed...this has been a really difficult time for me.

i'm dealing with a lot going through this process, and it's not easy.

therapy is a grueling process. it drudges up a lot of hard issues. things that i would rather not think about. behaviours and beliefs that i have developed over the years in order to cope with my circumstances and my disease. i haven't talked a lot about my circumstances or the things i've gone through in my life, but i've got a story...just like all of you. i have a lot of really painful memories. just typing that sentence brought tears to my eyes. even things that i've been processing for more than 12 years can still make me cry.

most days are difficult. i feel like i'm working and processing and trying to change all the time.

it's exhausting and overwhelming.

i don't really talk about my faith much on my blog. i'm not really sure why. i guess i just don't do things that way. i don't want to sound preachy. but i'm going to talk about it now. what God is doing in me right now is incredible. he has been speaking to me so much. that still, small voice that everyone is always talking about has been in my head, heart, and soul almost constantly. i guess it's always there, but i'm really hearing it right now.

maybe it's just that i'm listening harder? i don't know.

i'm not an illogical person. i'm not just going to listen to any voice in my head and call it the word of God. i believe that you have to go through a process in order to determine whether or not God is speaking to you. if what you're hearing 1) agrees with the Bible and 2) is consistent with Jesus Christ's character, then you're good to go. that's God.

i believe that the holy spirit lives in me. God lives in me. he speaks to me. he loves me and will never ever leave me.

that's the most comforting thing i can think of.

the creator of the universe, of heaven and earth, seeks me out. he wants me and protects me. i can't tell you how many times he's pulled me out of situations that were too much for me. i feel so lucky that he hasn't let me go...even though i've tried really hard to get away sometimes.

God has proven to be trustworthy time and time again. he's really had his work cut out for him. i think women learn to trust God through their fathers. we learn about God's love for us through our fathers. it's our first exposure to it. i think part of the reason God has been so patient with me and has worked so hard to gain my trust is because i didn't have a father i could trust. throw a couple crappy boyfriends on top of that, and you've got a very guarded woman.

(for the record, levi is obviously, one hundred percent, absolutely not lumped into that crappy boyfriend pile. levi is the first man, besides my incredible brother, i've trusted.)

anyway, i feel like i'm finally starting to get it. it's finally starting to click in my head, in my soul. it's time to have bigger faith. to let go of the reins. to trust God.

it certainly isn't easy. it's a conscious decision. when i find myself worrying about something, in an attempt to control it (i do this a lot - i call it preemptive worry), i have to deliberately choose to give it to God. i have to decide to do my best, to make the best decisions i can and try my hardest and then just let it go.

this isn't new stuff i'm talking about here. but it's my life right now....well not just right now. this is my life. period.

i like the message's translation of 1 peter 3. it says to "cultivate inner beauty, the gentle, gracious kind that God delights in." i want to be that woman. i want to be gentle and gracious, beautiful on the inside. i want to be calm and confident, "unaxious and unintimidated." those words soothe me. don't they sound soothing?? don't you picture the most beautiful woman on the planet when you hear that description? i've always desired to be that woman.

and right now, i feel so much closer to becoming her because of this path i'm on, because i'm trying to follow where God is leading me.

for the first time in my life, i'm beginning to trust that everything is going to be okay and that letting go is the first step to becoming who i want to be.


  1. i've been reading your blog for about a year, and i need to tell you that this is your most beautiful post thus far . . . thank you for sharing your heart and struggles! be encouraged that 1)this is an amazing testimony of how much He loves us and 2)He is using your circumstances to draw you closer to Him (which, honestly, is an upside to any crappy situation).
    okay, enough of the comment novel. praying for you!

  2. thank you for this...so much. i needed it so much this morning. don't ask why i'm awake this late/early! hahaha.

  3. While I've only been reading your blog for a little while {I think I found you through a friend who reads you} I can't even begin to explain how this post is exactly how I'm feeling right now.

    I don't think our situation is the same--I'm going through a terribly sad breakup--but our healing process is dead-on. Thank you for putting it into words because sometimes I can't find any good way to say it other than "this sucks, but I'm trying and I know that I'm going to be OK. And although it may take a while, He will look after me and make sure I get there."

    So, thank you.

    One thing I will tell you is, "Here Comes the Sun" by the Beatles is the BEST "strong song." Go ahead, try it. :-)

  4. Incredible post!

    I was just thinking about you and wondering how you were doing so it was nice to read.

  5. That is so great to hear! I am thrilled that God has brought you on this journey so that you can have a more intimate relationship with Him. Trusting is hard but if we can get there it is a wonderfully peaceful place to be.

  6. Love you, Jasmine. That was a beautiful post. I need to start talking about God more on my blog too. You're so inspiring. xo

  7. absolutely beautiful. Keep holding on and believing in yourself and in God.

    We're all rooting for you!

  8. Thank you so much for sharing. It gives me so much more courage to share my beliefs. You're awesome!

  9. amen! that was beautiful!
    good luck to you and your journey.
    giving things to God is the best thing we can do. it makes the hard things in life that much easier i think.

  10. Hi Jasmine, I have been reading your blog (silently) for as long as I can remember... I never comment, and i want to let you know you've been real good in my life, you remind me of the things i so often forget. i want to share with you two bible verses that have really touched my heart recently...

    "Therefore, I will allure her, and bring her into the wilderness, and speak tenderly to her. I will give her her vineyards and make the valley a door of hope." Hosea 2:14-15

    "A broken and contrite heart, oh Lord, you shall recieve..." Psalm 51:17

  11. hi jasmine, i've been reading for awhile now but i haven't ever commented before. i just wanted to say hi and also good luck with everything! it sounds like you're doing great. and i think it will be really good for you to write about all of this that you're going through, because i bet you'll discover that everyone is facing their own demons every single day, and if you can hide it, so can they! who knows what you'll learn about yourself and your friends. many thoughts and prayers for you as you go through it all :)
    and ps i love that image of the woman. we should all strive to be that.

  12. as i have been reading your posts lately, i've been thinking of something that i repeat to myself daily.

    1 Peter 5:7 (Amplified Bible)

    "Casting the whole of your care [all your anxieties, all your worries, all your concerns, once and for all] on Him, for He cares for you affectionately and cares about you watchfully."

  13. Thank you for being so brave to share this with us. Such an encouragement to my own faith! I've been praying for you and hope that even in the midst of this difficult time you feel God's peace.

  14. you are totally right - giving up control and handing everything over to God is difficult. we are told in this world that we are supposed to be able to "handle it all... and then some". God didn't intend for it to be like that. no wonder we He is our gracious and wonderful father who wants to take care of us and carry us when we can't continue.

    i needed to read your post today. thank you for being courageous in posting it and thank you for the reminder of how we are supposed to "really live". i wish you all the best in your battle and adventure. i hope you continue to see the beauty in this crazy world.

    all the best!!

  15. amen sweetie. following God is never easy but always worth it. I'll be praying for you.

  16. this is a beautiful post.

    today, maybe coincidentally or maybe because of fate or maybe because god's looking out for us...i decided that i do not trust anyone. i spent the morning crying, trying to trace it back to anything, everything, trying to make sense of this hopelessness.

    but your post just reminded me. i do trust at least one person in this world. or maybe not in this world. i trust god.

    thanks for reminding me that other people experience things and feel things and they aren't "new" or "original." they're ours, because we're human beings. we're all people who are going through the same things, at different times and on different levels.

    thank you for writing it down. because otherwise, i'd still feel alone.

    i'm happy to read your words, to see you trusting and believing and loving in something bigger than us, bigger than what we have. i think it's called faith? what a nice thing to have in one's life.

  17. I love this Jasmine. I definitely desire to be that woman in that verse as well!

  18. I love the idea of the woman you described here. I want to be that woman. It sounds like the perfect woman. I want to be her!

    And I wanted to say bravo to you for tackling this and striving to better yourself and your life. That's incredibly admirable. And even more admirable that you have the strength to share it with everyone here. We all have our obstacles to overcome, and lord knows the one you are tackling is not an easy one. So good for you, and thank you for sharing!

  19. i love you and im so proud of you..and you're indeed being moulded everyday! (: praying! xo

  20. Beautifully put. Thank you for sharing this.

  21. I'm so blessed to hear about your faith on your blog. God is utterly amazing, and we definitely do not hear about him often enough. I'm sorry therapy is such a struggle, but by God's grace you WILL make it through. I'm keeping you in my prayers :)

  22. So happy to hear that you're clinging to God in this time. He will get you through! Hang in there sweetie, because you're right, it will get better!

  23. wow!!! i am so proud of you...if you can be proud of a someone you have not met face to face.
    but I have met you here, on your blog..for about a year now.
    and I have to agree with Abby, you first commenter...this by far is your most beautiful post
    I love it
    it speaks truths that are beyond human understanding and that is how I know that you truly are on the right path...that you indeed are following The Creator's voice and learning all about the
    incredible love "he" has for you.
    you are so right when you say it is hard to reconcile to a God that is presented in the masculine form if you have not had great men in your life...it is so hard...but know this God is neither male or female, God IS.
    sometimes we have to be broken open to really hear the voice of God..there ae so many thing to distract...if this is where your falling apart has brought you then I say PRAISE GOD!!!!
    You are a daughter to The King..hld your head high and feel the abundance of love and grace that is there for you for the taking!
    I have been where you are Jasmine ad I know there are others, you are not alone in this journey, take strength in that.
    Love and Light

    (sorry for the looooonnnngggg comment)

  24. Amen! Nice to hear from you Jas! Keep your head up :)

  25. I love that you have written this post about trusting God and letting him lead you. Hang in there! Its hard I know from experience but it is worthwhile. Good Luck :)

  26. I wanted to thank you for being so honest on your blog. It's helped me become more honest on mine.

  27. beautiful. keep trucking along :)

  28. THANK YOU SO MUCH for this post. I have been encouraged by close friends to seek help through medicine and therapy and am very terrified of both. I love how you incorporated the verse from Peter into your post and also shared how Yaweh has been healing you through the process. How brave and refreshing! I wish you much peace and healing,


  29. oh man. i feel like I could have wrote this except i couldn't 'cause i'm not where you are yet and that makes me wish i would have written it.

    i've found myself afraid of God for a while (even though He's been NOTHING but faithful and even if I didn't see that, it wouldn't matter 'cause He's God = Creator, Ruler, the Sacrificial Christ) 'cause i have a hard time telling my "preemptive worry" from Gods voice. Sometimes I just see something bad coming and i'm convinced it's God telling me.

    Therefore I have a hard time being alone with Him 'cause He'll tell me something bad again.

    Yeah... totally illogical but you can't convince yourself of that in the moment.

    Anyways... thanks for saying these things 'cause it's so good to know you're not alone in the struggle.

    And keep on trustin' and leadin' the way for the rest of us who WILL GET THERE.

    Oh, and i too love those verses about a kind, gentle, gracious woman. One of my favorites is in Proverbs 31 where they say "She laughs at the days to come"

    I love that! Like - "you can't effect me...you can't get me down...i spit on the enemy's discouragements and lies. I look forward with hope and laughter"

    Gosh, i crave to be that woman.

    peace sister,
    erin "wren"

  30. I have just stumbled upon your blog, and would like to say thank you for being so honest and open about your feelings, it's not easy is it. I enjoy reading your blog, it makes me feel like I'm perhaps not a total lunatic. Keep writing, you are v. readable and a fab photographer to boot! Big love from across the pond.

  31. So I just stumbled across your blog recently as I'm getting engaged fairly soon and the search on wedding blogs actually brought yours up - but the link to your posts about your "brain" have been, seriously, something I needed at this very moment in my life. This post in particular spoke to me in ways that I can't explain and it was as if I was writing it myself. I hope you know how insightful this is, and how impressive you are. I have never gone to see a psychiatrist and I haven't had a seriously hard life as you have, but these thoughts have permeated my being for some time now and I have avoided dealing with them - until they began to affect my relationship with the love of my life. Thanks for your bravery in putting this out here, it has made me feel so much better knowing that I'm not the only one feeling these things so deeply.

    Good luck, and happy writing :)



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