25 September, 2009

on the bus ride home from school


yesterday, i found myself sitting on the bus resting my head against the window at a red light. the vibration from the idling engine shook the tears that had already been welling in my eyes causing them to trickle down my cheeks. i was crying. on a bus. packed with a ton of people who don't know my name. who don't know my thoughts and ambitions. who don't know my likes and dislikes.

to begin with, bus people, my name is jasmine lael hunter. my thoughts and ambitions change too rapidly for me to sit here listing them for you...or for me to pretend like i understand them myself. today, my likes seem to be few, and my dislikes seem to be vast. i feel aimless. i feel undisciplined. i can't make myself fit into any categories i've come across...God knows i've tried to find an appropriate label for myself. i don't know what i want "to do." i can't seem to find the proper fit. well, that's not entirely true. i want to have children. i want to be a mother. but, right now, i'm not a mother. i don't have any babies to look after. so, bus people, please tell me, what do i do now? how do i kill time until i get to do what i want to do? why has this been the only consistent answer i have to the question"what do you want to be when you grow up"? what am i supposed to with that? can any one of you tell me, oh distinguished patrons of public transportation? i can't major in preparation for motherhood. i can't take classes on what's best to feed my children or how to put on a cloth diaper and administer cough syrup. i don't want to live my pre-baby life simply longing for the day i can have children. i don't want to feel like i'm waiting for something. because, just like everything else, waiting can turn into a bad habit. if i feel like i'm waiting, longing, and killing time now, who's to say i won't feel like that when my desires have been realized? who's to say i'll ever be satisfied with anything i've done? bus people, can you tell me anything?? can anybody help me?

no one said a word.
they all just sat and stared.




i wrote that yesterday. i wasn't exactly in a chipper mood. but it was how i was feeling at the moment...so i wrote about it. and now i'm sharing it with you, even if it's not exactly positive. please don't worry about me. i'm a moody girl, and i tend to feel things more deeply than is necessary in the moment. it is true that i don't really know what i want "to do" besides become a mom. but, right now, i don't think of my time without kids as "killing time". time isn't meant to be killed or filled. it's meant to be treasured and used wisely. i don't want to just kill my time; i want to do important things with it and make it count for something...even if it's only something small. when i was rereading what i wrote, this popped into my head:

"delight yourself in the lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart. commit your way to the lord; trust in him, and he will do this: he will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun." psalm 37:4-6

so i choose to keep my face turned toward the sky and to just keep going.


50 comments:

  1. You are a hell of writer, I'm sure you'll find your way through.

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  2. Oh, how I needed to hear that verse. Wow! You never know when HE'S going to work on your soul...through friends, through strangers on a bus, or through incredibly inspiring people on a blog. Thanks for this post, hope you continue to hold your head towards the sky.

    Heather K.

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  3. i don't know what i want to do in life either. sometimes it makes me feel so lost. then i think of all the opportunities ahead of me. we all have days like that. they suck so so bad. but you always get to start all over again the next day, and make it so much better.

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  4. Often times I feel the way you did yesterday. I just don't have the writing abilities that you do to blog about them.

    I honestly feel like I am wondering around my life like a lost child. Nothing seems to make me happy, the whole me happy. I wonder when I will find that time, place, thing, job that puts everything into perspective.

    For you, perhaps take classes based on childcare? Early childhood education may have lots of classes that will make you happy. Or psychology classes that based on children and their behavior?

    I hope you find your way to what makes right now happy and worthwhile :)

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  5. Love this post, thanks for sharing. I started following your blog because your optimism inspired me to be more positive... this post just makes you that much more relatable. What I want "to do" with my life changes just about every day.

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  6. This was beautiful, Jasmine! You are amazing! I just love you dearly!

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  7. Thank you for sharing these thoughts! I feel like this all the time too! (But I am 32 and still don't know what I am going "to do".) I just know I want to help to make things better for others..where ever that takes me. So hang in there! I believe things will work out eventually..one way or another.

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  8. Oh Jasmine..I love that you are so open and wonderful. What a perfect verse! xoxo

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  9. Since I was a teenager, that was the only constant answer I had to that big question too. I'm almost 30 now and still not a mother...by choice. I want to have lived a full life and feel secure in who I am and in my beliefs so when the right time to have kids finally does come along I'll be able to raise thoughtful, intelligent and creative children. And it's OK not to fit into any label. That means you are interesting and unique and creative! Try lots of stuff and eventually it will all come together!

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  10. I hope that you don't mind that I'm commenting on this-- I stumbled across your blog a few weeks ago and think it's lovely!

    I just wanted to write a little note to let you know that you're not the only one who's feeling this way! Just a few nights ago I found myself struggling with the same sort of problem--people keep asking me what I want to do with my life and the answer is always i don't know. On my blog, I even wrote a little something about it. None of the things I really feel like doing can lead to a job path, and none of the job paths i'm qualified for seem satisfying. It makes me feel very blah.

    I'm not sure that there's a definite answer to this problem, but the best thing I can think of is just to keep your head up! Try to find things you enjoy doing and focus on those--regardless of whether they are leading to a career path or future or whatever. Do whatever makes you happy!

    I hope things start getting better soon!

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  11. I love this post, Jasmine. (love your middle name too btw) It was like reading something I would have written 5 or 6 years ago... that would make me 25. I felt lost, despite the fact that I was right where I had worked to be.

    These lines of what you wrote really resonated in me, "who's to say i won't feel like that when my desires have been realized? who's to say i'll ever be satisfied with anything i've done?" Because sometimes that's how I feel now. I have two fabulous kids, a wonderful husband and the career is right around the corner. And yet some days I wonder if this is really what I had hoped for. On most levels it is, but there is always a spot inside that needs something more.

    Here's my thoughts on that. I'm an artist (and you are too). I love, appreciate and participate in many types of art and I'm not sure that artists are ever supposed to feel satisfied. The term "tortured artist" I think is less about the negative connotations and more about the fact that we HAVE to create! And when I'm not or I'm not happy with my latest creation or whatever it is, that empty spot feels a bit bigger that day. I think you did what you needed to do on the day your empty spot felt too big to contain... you wrote. You created something where there had previously been nothing. Wanting babies is simply the grandest form of art. Allowing God, the supreme artist, to create a masterpiece through you. It will happen someday and it will fill you up beyond measure. But don't be surprised when that familiar empty spot asks to be filled again and again.

    Sorry for the mini-blog. I hope you find it encouraging. XOXO

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  12. You should get a job in childcare. Kids always ask questions rather than just stare, and you would get some practice in!

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  13. Jasmine, I can relate to this all too well. Sadly though, I am a mother of 2 amazing girls and the wife of the bestest husband ever, but I still feel like I'm wandering. I blew so many chances to "do" something with my talents and desires, but I was busy wasting time at that time. I am in a constant struggle in my walk with the Lord, but I always wind up turning back to Him (in our father's arms). He picks me up and dusts me off. This is a verse that speaks to me so strongly in these times of confusion.

    Corinthians 15:10 But by the grace of God I am what I am: and His grace which was bestowed upon me was not in vain; but I laboured more abundantly than they all: yet not I, but the grace of God which was with me.

    Take care of yourself. Keep focus on what matters.

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  14. I feel this way at times, too, One part of your post really stood out to me:
    "i tend to feel things more deeply than is necessary in the moment"
    I am the same way.
    Keep your chin up! :)

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  15. http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes2.asp

    This isn't the official personality test but it is extremely accurate and so super insightful. After you take it if you so choose, you can google your type and get lots more info and also possible career choices that fit your personality.
    Us free spirited personalities are tough to tame in a 'figure out your life's purpose' sort of way. I believe there are endless possibilities to learn and grow and serve others and as "feelers" we tend to feel best when we feel as if we are contributing to the world at large, you know... making a difference. All I can say to what you wrote is that you spoke to my soul! I am in the same boat or one very similar to yours and I have to keep reminding myself to paddle towards something otherwise I will just drift.
    I am an INFP it will make sense once you take the test. You won't regret it I promise.
    Lots of Love coming your way

    Lex

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  16. Jasmine this was an incredible post and it really resonated with me.
    I feel this way so very often.
    Actually lately I think I've figured out what it is that I want to do but too often it seems unattainable.
    I love that psalm's verse and I'm going to try and think of it every time I get down.
    Thanks!
    xo
    Have a beautiful & happy weekend!

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  17. i'm so with you jasmine. last night i had a total break down similar to yours, but today i'm fine... it's the curse of moodiness i guess. but i hate that aimless feeling, and i usually seem to get it when i'm overstressed! so this weekend i'm working really hard to truly relax and not let myself get stressed out over little things. i hope you have a good relaxing weekend!

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  18. hi! i just wanted to let you know that your blog posts have cheered me up many a day that i found myself blue. so, next time that you feel a little bit down, please remember that you are appreciated by many many peeps! namaste

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  19. Oh lady,
    you just captured my heart with this post.
    i have been struggling with how to be honest about those moments and feelings, while letting everyone know that i am still *okay*--*alright*--*fantastic, even*. you do us all pround.
    *
    and i (too) am having pangs for a bebe. been feeling that feeling like-- what if we wait TOO long??
    love to you.

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  20. Jasmine, that is beautiful. The honesty with yourself, and to be able to share that kind of honesty with all of us is HUGE! I, myself, had a minor break down last night. And it was difficult for me to just be honest with myself and with Alex about what was bothering me. I started crying mid-laugh.

    I think you should embrace your desires to learn so much about so many different things. I'm that way too, I'm a learner. I like to learn about it, but don't love to make the things I learn my "career." And that's ok. Believe it or not, THAT will help make you a PHENOMENAL mother! To have all that knowledge and be so diverse... what lucky kids you will have!

    And do enjoy your pre-baby life! I have to preface this with, I'm SUPER excited to be having my first child, however, it's really scary. And last night I found myself mourning the pre-pregancy& baby-life I'll never have again. It'll never be easy, breazy, just me and Alex again. And it's so exciting that we're going to be sharing our lives with a baby now, but really overwhelming and scary too. Everything is changing, and it can be really REALLY overwhelming some times.

    Don't fret, there are many people who don't know what "to be." You're not alone in the slightest. And there may not be an exact "destination." Things will always change-interests, careers, etc, as long as your loving and living every step of the way, which I know you are!

    Thank for the honesty... it was refreshing.

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  21. Lovely post, really. Even if it is not positive. Who's positive all the time? I appreciate the honesty of it. I felt/feel that way too. What's my calling? What's my perfect career? I've resolved that it's okay. I think we just do the best we can while we're doing it. We're being led somewhere, even if it doesn't feel grand or big or ground-breaking. What you're doing now is preparing you for what you'll do be doing tomorrow and so on. Don't let other people dictate the fact that you should have it all figured out. (Sometimes I think they are just pretending to know anyways!) Just don't get caught up in being unsatisfied with the now. That's tricky. But you sound like the type of gal that wouldn't let it happen.

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  22. What a beautiful post, Jasmine. I feel you emotion, and I understand your longing. Thank you for sharing, and thank you for being transparent. We're all moody and dissatisfied at some point or another, and like you I'll read a scripture like the one you read in Psalms and my heart will again be at peace. And, sometimes I will read a blog post written by a person across the country whom I have never met, and my heart will let out a contented sigh because through this crazy form of communication we stand in solidarity in our humanity, in our womanhood, and in our faith. Thanks.

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  23. this was beautiful, beautiful, beautiful. I love that you let your heart show through and you were honest - writing like that lets the rest of us know we're not crazy. I just cried about something similar this weekend! And I also love this:

    "Waiting for the Lord isn't about God forgetting you, forsaking you, or being unfaithful to His promises. It's actually about God giving you time to consider HIs glory and to grow stronger in faith. Remember, waiting isn't just about what you are hoping for at the end of the wait, but also about what you will become as you wait," (Paul David Tripp).

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  24. guess what? i feel that way sometimes, and so does everyone i know. your not alone my friend, chin up.

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  25. This is beautiful. Yes, enjoy this time. Being a mother truly is wonderful and amazing but there are days that I am completely jealous of you.
    So just keep going.

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  26. I'm glad you're feeling better than yesterday! ...don't think you're alone in feeling this way though. All I want to do with my life is to become a housewife/stay at home mom. I feel like the collge degree I'm persuing now is going to be pointless, because I never intend to use it. But it keeps me going to think of it as a "back up plan." A "just in case we need some extra cash" plan. ;) I've been known to cry out of no where like that too. It passes in time, as you very well know. Keep your head up. We'll make it to where we want to be eventually, and be all the stronger for having waited it out. :)

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  27. That's kind of how I feel at the moment. Aimless, unsure of what I want, interested in way too many things, but nothing I'm sure I want to pursue. It really sucks doesn't it.. :/
    I'm so glad you shared. Bet it made you feel better. Good luck. I hope you find your dream and chase after it x

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  28. what a lovely post, jasmine lael hunter.

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  29. I sorry you had a bad day. You could major in education. Parents are the best teachers children will have.

    I have the opposite problem. The time is fast approaching for me to be a mother, and I keep looking for excuses not to.

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  30. really beautiful.
    well written raw emotion.

    hugs to you for looking toward the sky. God is a great comfort.

    and this was for me.

    xo

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  31. thats a beautiful post jasmine.

    you're just so beautiful

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  32. This has to be one of my favorite posts yet. Maybe because I feel I truly relate with this one. I've been out of H.S. for 8 years now, and still to this day, have no idea "what I want to be when I grow up." It's frustrating.

    I too want to have something that I love to do as well before the baby years come.

    Good luck in your hunt! What are you leaning toward?

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  33. This has to be one of my favorite posts yet. Maybe because I feel I truly relate with this one. I've been out of H.S. for 8 years now, and still to this day, have no idea "what I want to be when I grow up." It's frustrating.

    I too want to have something that I love to do as well before the baby years come.

    Good luck in your hunt! What are you leaning toward?

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  34. Thanks for sharing you thoughts. It was like reading my own! It's nice to know other people have no idea what they want to be when they "grow up". (Yea, not just me!) Your thoughts resonate with me deeply and I too have tried to find comfort in the Bible verse you shared. Thanks again, for being open enough to share...humility is a beautiful quality!

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  35. If only I was there to give you a hug. We both need one.

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  36. I feel like you've taken some of my thoughts out of my head! This is a great post, so refreshingly honest and much needed by a lot of people. And that's a lovely psalm.

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  37. While you're waiting, killing time, or simply finding your way...
    You should write more often.

    When you touch as many people as you did today (34 comments in a few hours, and so many other readers who didn't comment)...that says something about they way you are putting words together. It means you found something that we all have in common, something we each understand personally and collectively.

    I think it also means, you aren't just killing time. You are thinking, you are growing. You are writing. And you are sharing yourself with the world.
    What better way to kill time?

    This is a beautiful post. I love the verse you shared. Like someone else said above, "you are a hell of a writer."

    Thank you.

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  38. honestly, that's how i feel as well. when i picture my future, i could care less about my profession... i dream about a wonderful husband and a comfortable home and children to raise and love and protect and teach. i think that most of this is just a part of being a woman...

    either way, keep your chin up because regardless of what happens in your life, you'll find happiness because you're too awesome of a person to not have good things coming your way! :)

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  39. You are fearfully and wonderfully made....before you grew in your mothers womb I knew you.
    with passionate love,
    Your Creator

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  40. oh jasmine you're so wonderful! you have no idea how you make us all smile. we love ya, keep your chin up.

    i know how you feel about wanting to be a mother. upon coming to college, i was so tempted to always tell people who asked what i wanted to do, "motherhood, but for now, i guess english." the way i see it is you have to use the time you have on your own growing and learning so that it gives you a greater capacity to love and teach them. i always have to remind myself that i can make everything i'm doing be for their good.

    hang in there :)

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  41. This was beautiful. I love it when you get raw with us, it's the best because we see that you're beautiful, sweet, caring...and human! :)

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  42. jas i love your words. i have no clue who i want to be...or what i want to do yet. somedays i want to be a photographer, other days a doctor, the next a fbi agent :) the one thing that stays consistent is the want to be a wife and mother. to raise my own family. ANY woman with a drop of love in her heart desires to be a mother. i believe it's in us from the day we're born. i cannot wait for that and don't let a single soul tell you there's anything wrong with it. love :)

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  43. This is an incredible post Jasmine. And I know how it is to feel one way in a moment and then be ok the next, so I'm glad you shared it with us regardless.

    You are a phenomenal writer. And an amazing friend, just throwing that in there. :)

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  44. Very vulnerable post. Have you ever read the blog I have with my husband, Disturbed Christian? It speaks to a lot of Christians about topics like this.
    I hope you feel better and Proverbs 31:30 always pulls me through (I even had it tattooed on my forearm to remind me and to live it!)

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  45. Oh Jasmine, I can SO relate to this. Even though I've supposedly figured things out (what with this law school thing) I still have days where I'm all, "WHAT am I DOING with my LIFE?!" :) That verse is a huge encouragement to me always. Also, Philippians 1:6 - "Be confident of this, He who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it..."

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  46. "so i choose to keep my face turned toward the sky and to just keep going."

    i absolutely love that. i know you'll cheer up soon. i enjoy reading posts like this, you're being completely open and real. i also wanted to say, look at you girl, look at all these caring comments! it's amazing how supportive the blog world is, especially to you :)

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  47. I shed inside tears for your questions as I read your post. Your blog is new to me, so until I read the verses from Psalms, I was just trying to figure out how to direct you to answers that are even more profound and deep then our questions!

    Let me say that as an old woman, I have learned that these are not magic words to chant over our pain. There is NOTHING new under the sun - the yearnings, the quests, the journeys.

    And ultimately our souls will never be satisfied by the natural cravings of our stages of life - but only by the Giver of life Himself.

    So keep your face turned toward HIM and "just keep going"!

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  48. jasmine,

    i know how you feel. it can be so hard when you feel like you're in the waiting room to your real life. you're right, you cant take classes on motherhood but you can do things that will challenge you, teach you new things, and use your braincells right now. i'm not ready to have kids yet but i may be one day. when i was growing up my mom could do anything. literally anything. if i wanted a baggy sweatshirt with hot pink puffypainted designs (it was the style, dont blame me) she could make it. if i wanted a 5 layer chocolate cake she could make it. if i wanted purple bookshelves she could make them. i thought she was magic. i work really hard to be like her in that way. i can sew pillows shaped like giraffes, i can bake a cake out of almost anything, and i can paint your face like a butterfly or a tiger. maybe spending some time learning how to do things that will help keep childhood magical will make you feel better too?

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  49. i stopped by. so hello.

    perhaps you don't realize how much i relate to what you wrote to bus people. it could have been a page from my journal.

    but i'm not brave enough to say those things out loud. or in public. so thank you. for saying them for me.

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