21 July, 2009

this is a serious one.


i get a lot of emails asking for advice on relationships which i love. i love giving you my two cents. i love that you trust me enough to let me in on some of the most personal, intimate details of your lives.

due to this, i feel obligated to officially and publicly say that levi & i absolutely do not have the perfect relationship without problems. i know you never thought we thought we were perfect, but i just needed to say it anyway.

it's not pure happiness all the time.

we don't feel "in love" every second of every day.

but our relationship works.

i think the huge thing that makes it work is all the work we put into it.

we are hugely committed to each other and this relationship, to making it work under all circumstances every single day.

i was recently asked how we knew that we were right for each other, and i really want to share my reasons here.

1. one of the huge ones is that our beliefs and ideals line up almost perfectly. it's almost weird. it kind of feels like our lives leading up to before we met were shaping us for each other. we've had a lot of similar experiences so we can relate to each other on a lot of different levels.

2. a big one, for me especially, is that we trust each other like crazy. i never ever worry about him cheating on me or even looking at another girl. some girls honestly don't mind if their boyfriends or husbands look at other women so that's not a big deal to everyone, but it's huge to me. it always has been, and i've never been with someone who i completely trust like i do with levi.

3. we have the same sense of commitment, and we both want the same thing. we both told each other before we lived together that we plan on getting married one day. and we both wouldn't continue this relationship if weren't headed toward marriage.

4. we can tell each other anything. sometimes things are difficult to discuss. i sometimes get embarrassed to bring up certain things, but he never freaks out or judges me - he makes me feel safe to tell him anything and everything.

5. i know that he will always do anything he has to do to make sure that i am (and our future family is) provided for financially, spiritually, emotionally, and physically. he always puts my needs before his own.

6. we have fun together. we like to do and talk about a lot of the same things, but we also have new things to expose the other to. we learn from each other.

7. we encourage each other's passions and interests and believe in each other.

8. we know the value of alone time and try to provide that for each other.

9. we've already made it through A LOT of hard times (mostly financial) so we both know that we can face what life gives us together.

10. we're both willing to work on our relationship and communication.

11. we lived in a studio apartment in the ghetto together and didn't kill each other.

i don't know if that means anything at all to any of you, but i wanted to put it out there just in case.

i think women waste a lot of time in bad relationships because we're afraid of being alone. we settle. and it's sad. i've settled in the past. i thank God every day that he got me out of those relationships. i had NO idea how great it could be. i had no idea what he had planned for me. i am so fortunate that he forced me to find out.

36 comments:

  1. it sounds like you have the foundation just right :)

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  2. ohh i love this list. you're so right about it all. relationships, all relationships--- but especially very serious, living together ones & marriage are not always easy. it takes a lot of work. but it also take a lot of remembering the little things you really love about each other and why you're together.
    i'm really happy you two found each other and are so committed. it really makes me happy :)

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  3. So glad you wrote this. Relationships are never perfect every second of every day, but you and Levi are pretty close to perfect!!

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  4. you have no idea how much this describes my current relationship. i never knew it could be so good!

    we have said since the first month of dating that this is so much different from every other relationship we've had. we know this is it.

    so glad you've found this same kind of love! isn't it fabulous!? :)

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  5. I love this. Thanks Jasmine.
    I've thought a lot about qualities a relationship should possess. I know I've had to learn from the bad ones so I can appreciate the GREAT one(s) when it comes along. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

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  6. thank you for this, jasmine! it is beautiful and echoes much of my own relationship with ian (: It's so important, commitment. There are just so many half-hearted couples out there that it just makes me sad when I see people who date aimlessly! God is so amazing he knew how Levi would be perfect for you! (: love u! xx

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  7. This is beautiful! I just finished a couple's therapy class as a part of my grad school (I'm almost a therapist) and all of what you just said are characteristics of healthy relationships. So many people don't have this understanding, so I'm so glad you shared your thoughts and experiences!

    And if anyone wants to read an AWESOME book about couple's communication, read A Couple's Guide to Communication by John Gottman (he's THE couple's therapy guy). Awesome book, super easy to read, great for improving any relationship.

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  8. I like the last part where you said you didn't know how great it could be being in a decent relationship. I feel that way too. I thought some of my past relationships were good, but I had no idea that they could be great, wonderful even. I believe that God had a greater plan for me than I had for myself too. How wonderful is that? Good thing He looks out for me, because I'd surely settle for less otherwise.

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  9. Ah I love this. It shows that you have a good head on your shoulders and don't expect a fairytale. I especially love the first one. And that you mentioned that you /work/ on your relationship and don't expect perfection all the time.

    You guys seem like a great match and I hope you'll always be one!

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  10. Whew! I'm with ya! I know bad relationships like the back of my hand. But, am truly grateful for those experiences, because they helped me grow to the point that I was ready for this really really great one! And I learned the importance of communication, trust, passion, and compromise so that I would be prepared and able to fully contribute to THIS relationship. And it's good to finally be here! (we've been together 3 years now, but I'm still saying "finally", it's STILL a breath of fresh air to be in this relationship, and I'll always be grateful for it...)

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  11. this is my first time reading your blog and i love this post! i love your honesty. good luck reading anna karenina!

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  12. this is so lovely and refreshing to hear. thanks for sharing!

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  13. From the things that you write, it seems like he accentuates the positive in you - tried to capture the funny on film.

    This was a really good read - thanks for putting it out there.

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  14. I absolutely love this post! Seriously, it made my day. Your blog is adorable. (I found it via rockstar diaries a while back). Thanks for giving me something wonderful to read :)

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  15. What can I say that has not been said already! This is good stuff. I feel that when you are with someone and are able to put the relationships needs before your own you are on to something.Relationships are a journey of their and take a lot of care, they are fragile and steel all wrapped up into one.
    Another great post! Thanks for sharing....
    www.ourperspective.com

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  16. I'm sitting here crying in my cubicle as I read this. I've been so sad for so long over someone who has never been there for me in any of those ways that you described. Just this morning I was feeling so completely depressed about some emails that we exchanged and wondering what I could do to make him happy...make him like me again. The truth is, even when we were together (it's been off and on for 2 years, the latest "off" happening just a couple weeks ago) I never really felt like he liked me. Except for right at the beginning, I wasn't myself around him, I wasn't secure at all. It made me act kind of crazy and do things that drove him even further away. I tried to tell him that if he would just talk to me and let me know he was there for me I would be fine. I just needed a little reassurance, but he would get mad and shut me out. He would randomly and unexpectedly break up with me and then come back and shake up all the progress I had made in moving on. I'm sorry to share all of this with you, but I feel like you wrote this just for me. I need to read it over and over and remember that someone will treat me like that, and that I don't need to keep wasting time feeling like I can't go on because HE isn't there for me. Thank you.

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  17. This was really great to read right now ^_^ Thank you.

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  18. I love that you share these things with all of us. Thank you!

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  19. This is so sweet. I love how sweet your blog is; it really makes me smile when I read about your relationship.

    And I agree with this sentiment 100%, because that's what it's like for me and my guy too -- we're not perfect people and not a perfect couple but we're perfect together.

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  20. "we lived in a studio apartment in the ghetto together and didn't kill each other."
    quote of the day!
    <3

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  21. when i finally come out of hibernation this is what i read...great post girl!

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  22. Great timing.
    And, yeah, I was thinking you guys were pretty perfect... so, thanks!
    Good on you for sticking to it. To each other.
    Love

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  23. Thank you for that!

    I TOTALLY relate! I almost ended up married to the wrong guy for me. I prayed and prayed for guidance, and I ended up seeing signs to break it off before I walked down the aisle.

    Shortly after, I met a WONDERFUL man, who truly is everything I have ever wanted, but figured I wouldn't find. It's SO important to tell women NOT to settle. Trust your heart, and don't be afraid to break things off for fear of being alone.

    I appreciated your open heart and honesty :)

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  24. Wanting the same thing is clutch. Such lovely advice from one so obviously blissfully in love. Levi's shop happening yet?

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  25. it does take a lot (a lot) of work to make a relationship work.

    and it's sosososo worth all that work.
    having fun together makes it worth it.
    (among other things.)

    good post. it made me feel like i know you better.
    and that's fun.

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  26. You lucky, lucky gal. He sounds like a keeper :)

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  27. thanks so much for posting this jasmine. i'm glad you decided to share this!

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  28. thank you for putting this out there! i think in the blog world everything always looks so happy and carefree... but life can't be like that all the time!

    what a wonderful and REAL relationship you guys have.

    as my wedding comes closer and closer i find myself looking to other couples as role models... you guys are definitely on the list!

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  29. THankyou, that was really beautiful. thankyou thankyou

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  30. love the honesty! really. I think because we get to "know" each other on this world wide web, sometimes we forget reality... things are never perfect and will never be but we must try! and keep trying. :)

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  31. what you have is wonderful and you are blessed. you really put these words down perfectly and i can't wait to see your wedding photos someday (no rush i'll wait)
    xoxo

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  32. i love this post.
    maybe because i am not in love right now, nor have i been.
    and it's good to remember that sometimes you have to hold out a little bit until you find who you're looking for. and i mean REALLY looking for.
    someday i'll have something like that.

    i found you through my cousin geri's blog. hope you don't mind.

    xoxo

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